I make fun of Texas a lot, and for a couple of very good reasons: One, it’s a comedy gold mine, and Two, I lived in the Lone Brain Cell State for 10 1/2 years (3722 days…but who was counting?). Texas is a target-rich environment when it comes to lunacy…but following closely behind in second place is Floriduh.
The Sunshine State is perfectly suited for all manner of silliness. Any state that would elect (and re-elect) a convicted felon as Governor (Rick Scott) clearly isn’t suffering from a collective overactive intellect. As you’ll notice from the following examples, Floriduh can be and very often is the Lone Brain Cell State that Texas is. In fact, in some instances the denizens of Floriduh can display a degree of intellectual vacancy that is truly unique to the Flaccid Penis State.
Enjoy the rich, creamy goodness that is Floriduh …and don’t figure to tip your server.
Florida woman kidnaps daughter to stop her from getting vaccines and learning about black history: Edumication?? We don’t need no stinkin’ edumication!! We’re from Floriduh!!
Florida Jerks Super Excited Their Neighbor Shot A Kid, Saved A TV: Greetings from the Sunshine State, where human life is worth far less than the right (of a White Person) to Stand Your Ground.
Unlicensed Florida plastic surgeon faces charges for leaving patient with 1-inch, ‘mutilated’ penis: There really is something to be said for doing your due diligence prior to going under the knife, eh?
Florida Wingnuts Not About To Stand For Kiddie Books About ‘Nice Muslims,’ Hell No: Because, as ANY good, red-blooded, White Christian Patriot can tell you, ALL Muslims are terrorists…and our children must be taught to hate and fear them. Remember, White Folks can’t be terrorists…’cuz we believe in Jesus, don’tchaknow?…they just occasionally have anger control issues.
GOP officials sue Florida: Laws against gerrymandering are ‘thought policing’ our ‘partisan thoughts’: Because nothing says “FREEDUMB!!” like being able to rearrange the electoral map in a way that maximizes your chance to manipulate an election in your favor. It’s the American way, don’tchaknow??
Florida cop fired for racist Facebook comments gets his job back: It’s not racism if you’re White and live in Floridun; it’s “honoring your heritage.”
Florida man pleads guilty to trading in wild-caught snakes: Evangelical preachers and poisonous snakes go together like Donald Trump and vagina jokes.
Rick Scott Is Just Like Mother Teresa: Your Florida Roundup: Because Floriduh has EXACTLY the quality of (piss-poor) leadership it deserves.
Florida cop feeds drunken inmate like a zoo animal while barking ‘dog commands’: Can you blame a bored cop simply looking for some cheap entertainment? Uh…actually, yes, you certainly can.
Dumb Florida Rednecks Don’t Give A Sh-t, Gonna Hoist Them Stars And Bars: ‘Cuz it’s not about hatred and racism; it’s about heritage, don’tchaknow??
John Oliver and children’s choir demand ‘a—hole’ lawmakers kick out Florida and make DC a state: The more I think about it, the more sensible this idea seems.
Florida gun store sued after declaring itself ‘Muslim-free’: Unfortunately, Floriduh is not a “moron-free” zone.
Florida Tax Break For Fancy Yacht People Will Create All The Jobs, You Betcha: A rising tide lifts all boats…except when it doesn’t, which is pretty much always.
Florida teacher accused of duct taping kindergartners’ eyes as punishment: Effective classroom management, Floriduh style.
Evil Gov. Rick Scott Would Rather Shut Down Government Than Give Healthcare To Florida Poors: As Republican Jesus once said, “The only sure way to help the poor is to provide large tax breaks to the wealthiest Americans. Anything else will only serve to enable their lazy, slothful indolence.”
