It’s been widely held that there are two different types of people in this world: pessimists, who see the glass as half empty, and optimists, who see the glass as half full. A little known (and even less acknowledged) fact is that there’s actually a third group: people like me, who see the world as existing solely for our entertainment and edification. Saying that I never cease to be entertained would be something of an understatement.
The world may be my oyster…but I’ve always hated oysters, so I make do with whatever comes my way and mine for whatever laughs are there for the taking? Karma? It’s fun watching it do its thing. Schadenfreude? Well, when bad things happen to bad people, the results can often be…humorous. Who am I to turn my back on a gift that keeps on giving.
Without further ado, let’s get to today’s program, filled as it is with miscreants, halfwits, dimwits, and others who shouldn’t be allowed in public without adult supervision. You’ve been a great audience!! Enjoy the Captain and Tennille!!
Anyone who loves coffee and bourbon should put the two together immediately — here’s how: Big deal; Grandpa did that for years. When he asked me to get him a cup of coffee, he always asked me to bring his “creamer.”. I thought Old Granddad was half-and-half until I was 14.
Jared Fogle sues head of his foundation for unpaid $184,400 home loan: Fogle’s lawyer said his client would be happy to be paid in candy and cigarettes from the prison commissary.
Pope: Priests in Holy Year can absolve ‘sin of abortion’: Ladies!! Don’t miss out on this limited time offer!! Act now and a celibate, well-fed White male will take your confession and absolve you of your sins as only someone with no knowledge of reproductive health care can!! Call now; operators are standing by!!!
15 Famous Women Who Married Gay Men Without Realizing: Yeah, there’s certainly something to be said for doing your due diligence, eh??
World’s longest cucumber contender leaves man in a pickle: Yes, size matters…but foreplay is also very important to getting your partner ready for sex.
Where Is Josh Duggar? ‘19 Kids And Counting’ Star ‘Missing’ From Christian Rehab, Source Says: Hide your wife and daughters….
You Look Just Like Her: “My man wants me to dress up like my best friend and call me by her name during sex. Do you think I should be concerned??”
NC lottery introduces BBQ-scented lottery tickets: Because it’s North Carolina, silly….
Pat Robertson: Financial System Will Not Survive Gay Marriage: Those damned gays ruin EVERYTHING….
N.J. daycare workers allegedly staged, filmed children in ‘fight club’: The first rule of Daycare Fight Club is…wait, hold on…DAYCARE FIGHT CLUB???
Canada officially enters recession: The bigger news is that Canada has an economy. The next thing you know, they’ll be telling us our neighbors to the north have an army.
Plastic will be found in 99% of seabirds by 2050, study finds: One unfortunate side effect is that it will be almost impossible to tell the birds from the average woman in Southern California.
Carl Gallups: Joking About Conservative Christians Leads To Nazi-Like Persecution: As has been demonstrated time and time again, Conservative Christians are born without the humor gene, rendering them incapable of finding enjoyment in life or enjoying the healing power of laughter. Doesn’t exactly make you want to become a Christian, does it?
Fire damages Randolph village fire station: This just in: Irony isn’t dead; it’s currently in serious but stable condition at Helltropolis General Hospital.
Fox Anchor Harris Faulkner Sues Over Hasbro’s ‘Harris Faulkner’ Toy Hamster: Hmm…I’d have thought she’d be honored by such an accurate, life-life depiction.
School district investigates mass baptism filmed at football practice: First the Liberals came and took prayer out of our public schools. Now they’re after mass baptism during football practice. Is NOTHING sacred??
Debrett’s guide to Facebook: Don’t put all your life online: Breaking news: Common sense is dead. Film at 11.
Bryan Fischer Likens ‘Hero’ Kim Davis To Abolitionists And Nazi Resistors: Because refusing to grant marriage licenses in order to “protect the sanctity of marriage” when you’ve been married four times is Just. That. Heroic.
