Augustus Sol Invictus, Floridian former lawyer and current Libertarian candidate for Senate, once described himself as “of genius intellect,” “God’s gift to humankind where the English language is concerned,” and “everything you ever wanted to be.” Critics describe him as “a self-proclaimed fascist” and “absolute insanity.” One time, he killed a goat and drank its blood. Other members of the Libertarian party, in an effort to disown Invictus and his calls for open revolt against the government, have repeatedly brought up rumors that Invictus participated in a pagan sacrifice. And now, according to the AP, he’s owned up to it: “I did sacrifice a goat. I know that’s probably a quibble in the mind of most Americans,” he said. “I sacrificed an animal to the god of the wilderness … Yes, I drank the goat’s blood.” The AP notes that he drank the blood in order to “give thanks” for a successful week of prayer and fasting in the Mojave Desert, so it’s understandable.
Try as I might, I can’t for the life of me begin to understand Libertarians and Libertarianism. Boiled down to its simplest, Libertarianism has always impressed me as being about selfishness and a willful refusal to recognize the importance of community. It’s about the iindividual- first, last, and always. Beyond that, many Libertarians I’ve known are just nucking futz- willing to believe the most implausible conspiracy theories and go places intellectually no rational person would want to visit.
This is why I’m not at all surprised by Augustus Sol Invictus, who by all indications is either bat$#!& crazy, a raging egoist, a sociopath, or all of the above. Anyone that someone might plausibly describe as a “self-proclaimed fascist” and that describes themselves alternately as “of genius intellect,” “God’s gift to humanity,” or “everything you ever wanted to be” is not exactly the shy, retiring, self-effacing type. Anyone capable of writing a thoroughly unhinged departure memo in the manner of Invictus is someone very full of themselves indeed. He may be a legend in his own mind, but the rest of humanity has a very simple and accurate one-word description of him: asshole.
Witness ye the glory of my life at 29 years of age: I have four children, each of whom should be the envy of every parent in the world; I have attained a Baccalaureate Degree in Philosophy with honors; I have attained a Doctorate in Law, cum laude; I have acquired licenses in the profession of law in the States of New York, Illinois, and Florida; I am scheduled to acquire two more such licenses in North Carolina & Massachusetts; I am Editor-in-Chief of a poetry journal; I run an independent publishing company; I have opened my own law office in downtown Orlando; I am an MBA candidate; and I have accomplished a few other things that will remain off the record for now.
I am of genius intellect & cultured, well-educated & creative, well-mannered & refined. I am God’s gift to humankind where the English language is concerned, and I also happen to have a basic knowledge of Latin, Greek, French, Spanish, and Italian. I am musical & artistic; I am athletic & possessed of militant self-discipline; and I am many other things. I have a Cadillac & a poodle, multiple computers & a personal library; I live in an apartment downtown, right across the street from the courthouse; I have been to Paris & Vancouver, to Cairo & Dubrovnik, to Mexico City & Siracusa. I dress better than all of you, pronounce my words perfectly, and have a winning, professional handshake. I am everything you ever wanted to be.
I challenge any of you, then, to accuse me of being a failure in this artificial civilization of yours. For it is beyond dispute that I have played your petty game, and I have won.
But your game no longer holds any interest for me. Your architecture is vapid & worthless, as is your decadent culture, the mindless drivel you call music, the filth you call democracy. You waste your lives watching pure excrement on television, shopping at the strip malls, planning your vacations to resorts & theme parks. The Internet, with its infinitude of information, is used for reading celebrity gossip & watching sitcoms. You have begun to reduce argument to memes & human communication to trite sound bites. Life has become trivial - and if you cannot feel the human spirit decaying, you are already dead.
Invictus, who legally changed his name to the Latin translation of “unconquered sun,” has evidently been searching for a challenge worthy of his lofty intellect and unparalleled accomplishments, so he’s- you guessed it- running for a U.S. Senate seat in Floriduh as a Libertarian (aim high…or not). As you might imagine, this news was not exactly greeted with open arms by Floriduh’s Libertarian party, most of whom would gleefully fold, spindle, and mutilate Invictus. Then again, I suspect Invictus would happily return the favor. Elevating himself and his needs and concerns about any and all other considerations is what unhinged Libertarians do, and if there’s one word that would accurately and adequately describe Invictus, it would have to be unhinged. Just the sort of leadership Floriduh deserves, eh?
One of the commenters on the Gawker piece said it best:
On a related note, this guy is definitive proof that God exists, because its nothing short of a miracle that he has not been beaten to death by literally everyone he encounters. On the down side, apparently God favors assholes.
Truth be told, God has always favored assholes. They’re the showy, flamboyant Christians with the $10 million houses, the Gulfstreams, and the vacation homes in the Hamptons and Monaco. Or in the case of Invictus, the type of person so convinced of his own moral and intellectual superiority that he’s elevated himself far above mere mortals and their petty, pointless lives.
The good news is that Invictus has roughly the same chance of becoming the next Senator from Floriduh as I do. That’s disappointing…because he’d certainly be a significant upgrade from Marco Rubio, whose dismissive, f—k you brand of politics is couched in broad, abstract, mealy-mouthed bromides designed to mull the Sheeple to sleep. Rubio lacks the cojones to tell Floridians how little he cares about them once he’s secured their votes. Invictus will make it crystal clear that he’s in it for his own personal glorification, which would frankly be a refreshing change in the Senate.
Puny humans…once I’ve manipulated your facile emotions into voting for me, I will crush you like the insignificant blots on the human genome you are.
I’ll be he’s fun at parties….
