(apologies to the late sage, Yogi Berra)
Welcome to the latest installment of the story of my ongoing struggles with depression and ADD. Sometimes I rationalize it by chalking it up to having a writer’s artistic insecurities- after all, Sylvia Plath stuck her head in an oven and Ernest Hemingway swallowed a shotgun. I’m not anticipating anything nearly so extreme, but it’s oddly comforting to know I’m in good company. Let’s face it; writers, like so many artists (and people in general), can be horribly insecure and neurotic. Perhaps it’s just an affliction that heavily impacts creative personalities. Or perhaps I’m really just that messed up and heavily invested in finding workable rationalizations. Whatever the reason, I’m starting to feel as if maybe, just maybe, I might be finally beginning to get a handle on how best to deal with my personal challenges.
It took many years for me to work my way through several antidepressants before I came upon Wellbutrin, which has made a significant difference…and without some of the side effects so many psychotropic medications bring to the table. What it hasn’t done is help me deal with the ADD part of the equation- my difficulty with organization and the sometimes crushing frustration of not being able to do so many seemingly simple things most “normal” people take for granted. Over the past couple of years, I’ve gone from Adderall to Ritalin to Strattera and now back to Ritalin. Dealing with side effects (or, in the case of Strattera, lack of effectiveness) has proven a challenge. Adderall had me constantly on edge and feeling like a sports car in which the driver has one foot on the brake and the other pressing the accelerator to the floorboard. Ritalin the first time around had a similar if slightly less pronounced effect. Strattera did nothing- except cost $237/month, which seems a bit excessive for a medication that didn’t come close to doing what I wanted and needed it to do.
When Erin and I discussed her perspective, she focused on Ritalin, which I’d previously been using in timed-release form after starting with twice-a-day dosing. After some discussion with my doctor, I decided to go back to Ritalin twice a day at the lowest therapeutic dose…and- fingers crossed- it seems to be working.
As far back as I can remember, I don’t know that I’ve ever felt truly comfortable and at ease in a group of people. I’m a pronounced introvert, but it runs deeper than that. In groups, even among friends and people I know and trust, I’ve never felt like an equal. More often than not, I feel like an impostor, as if I don’t belong and it’s only a matter of time before someone figures it out. Intellectually, I know that’s not true; I know my friends value me for who I am or they wouldn’t be my friends. Even so, it seems as if I’ve never felt as if I truly belong.
After being back on Ritalin for a couple of weeks, I’m feeling something around groups of people I can’t recall feeling before- confidence. I can talk with people and feel as if I can hold my own, as if I’m on the same level. Perhaps I’ve finally reached a combination of medications that will allow me to live and interact with others on an even keel. It’s probably too soon to draw any firm conclusions, but the fact that I can interact with people and feel like an equal is…well, it’s frankly amazing, something I don’t know that I’ve ever experienced before.
Being diagnosed with ADD six years ago was the start of what’s become a very long road towards finding something that feels like normalcy. Not that I really have any idea what “normal” is supposed to feel like, but there’s a sense of equilibrium, of being on the same level with those around me that feels pretty damned good. I think that’s a pretty good starting point.
The road goes on forever and the party never ends….
