As you may or may not know, I’m an ordained minister/officiant in the United Church of Bacon (Yes, I’m licensed to perform weddings) . UCB is a real, legal church composed of all manner of skeptics, humanists, agnostics, and atheists. We protest preferential treatment (tax-exempt status) of religious organizations by asking that the same treatment be extended to bacon. After all, since bacon makes EVERYTHING better, why shouldn’t it be have the same legal status and enjoy the same preferential treatment as other religions? I mean, it’s BACON!!
You can listen to three UCB sermons to learn more, but for now I thought I’d offer a prayer in the hope that perhaps through the sublime, infinite power of bacon our shared humanity might someday overcome war, suffering, hatred, homophobia, religious intolerance…oh, and hunger:
Our pork slab, who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy name
Thy pancetta come, thy grill be done
In our skillet as it is in Heaven
Give us this day our daily pork belly
And forgive us our overindulgence
As we forgive those who take from our table the last piece of porcine sustenance
Lead us not into vegetarianism
But deliver us from turkey bacon
For thine is the sowbelly,
The bacon fat, and the salty, crispy goodness
Forever and ever, Amen
Peace be upon you…and may the infinite, primordial power of bacon keep you and guide you. Shalom, Aloha, and Skol!
