January 1, 2016 7:56 AM

Human, heal thyself

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

  • Mahatma Gandhi

I’ve always hated New Years resolutions. They’re- at least from my experience- a prescription for failure and self-flagellation. Change can and should happen anytime, but I understand the human predilection for seeing a new year as a new start and an opportunity for self-improvement. If it takes flipping the calendar in order to engage in some much needed self-reflection…well, that can only be a good thing.

One of the few unshakeable truths we face in our sojourn on this rock is that we’re here for only a relatively short time. Even as we move forward armed with that knowledge, it’s easy to cast our focus outward. We hate in others what we most fear in ourselves. We blame others and outside forces for things we have the ability to influence, if not control outright. We wish others would change…so we don’t have to do the hard work ourselves.

I raise these issues not because I have any great desire to lecture on the virtues of self-knowledge; I struggle with that as much as anyone. No, I’m trying to figure out how to be the best version of myself that I can be. I want to be the most authentic, real, and honest Jack I can be…which, as it turns out, isn’t always the easiest thing to do. Something that on the surface seems so simple and easily acheivable can be anything but.

Like anyone else, I live in an interdependent and interconnected world. As much as I like to think of myself as captain of my own ship, much of my existence involves being accountable to others- my wife, my family, my friends, whoever happens to be signing my paychecks. As much as I want to be seen as someone committed to doing the right things for the right reasons, it’s easy to allow my self-image and self-esteem to ride shotgun with those upon whose continued approval I depend.

When I manage to strip all of that away, what I’m left with is myself. Perhaps my biggest issue/problem/opportunity is that I’ve never felt adequate to the task, whatever that might be. I’ve never been able to like myself, to feel as if I’m enough just the way I am. I’ve never seen myself as good looking, intelligent, capable, or worthy of good things in life. This may the cause- or result- of the depression I’ve dealt with my entire life. Toss a late in life ADD diagnosis into the mix, and what you have is a recipe for low self-esteem and a poor self-image.

Those are reasons, not excuses.

This is my struggle, the quest for feelings (delusions?) of adequacy. I have people in my life who love and respect me, and for that I’m appreciative…but it’s not always easy to feel as if I’m worthy. My personal life is (finally) in a more peaceful place, but my professional life is anything but. That I live with someone whose professional life has been stable, successful, and exceedingly financially rewarding can be humbling, but I know it’s not a competition. She’s where she is because of the decisions she’s made, and I certainly can’t begrudge her the success she’s had…and richly deserves.

My problem is that my passions, more creative and artistic in nature, are far less stable and remunerative. The phrase “starving artist,” while not strictly applicable to my situation, is something with which I’m all too familiar. Because of this, I need to use, as Erin frequently reminds me, a different yardstick, different criteria for measurement and evaluation. Together, WE are successful, even if I from time to time feel as if I’m lagging behind. Emotionally, that’s challenging, even as I struggle to remind myself that it’s not a competition, that success comes in many forms…and that I’m the only one who can truly define my own success.

It’s easy to use the outside world to develop criteria with which to judge the quality of my own life. The problem with doing so is that internalizing criteria from the outside makes it easier to create unfair standards I then convince myself I need to live up to. When I strip all that away, what I’m left with is the realization that I’m doing OK. If I use the standards I’ve picked up from the outside world, yardsticks which truthfully have little real application to my life, I inevitably fall short and have all the tools to beat myself up and define myself as a failure- which I’m not.

Different yardsticks.

When I make the effort to look at things objectively, it’s easy to see what an incredibly fortunate person I am. I have a wife who loves me, an awesome house, family, and friends who love me for who I am. I don’t have to worry about where my next meal is coming from, wonder if I’ll be able to pay the mortgage, or concern myself with many of the difficulties so many others face. It’s an ongoing battle to focus on that and not so many of the other things I allow to drag me down, but it’s the truth. I may have what I perceive to be (First World) problems, but when I step back and look at things honestly, I have little to worry about.

My challenge going forward is to find a way to keep that knowledge in the forefront of my mind, to be mindful and in the moment enough to live authentically while also remembering to take care of myself, to be good to myself…because I haven’t always felt able to do that. I understand that most of the things I worry about and obsess over are things only I consider important criteria for evaluating my life. I need to learn (and remember) that I have the ability to step back from that and treat myself in a kinder and gentler manner.

Here’s to making whatever time I have left as rich, meaningful, and enjoyable as possible. That’s my wish- not only for myself, but also for those reading these words. May your time be filled with joy and peace- and may you live a life as authentic and meaningful as possible.

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on January 1, 2016 7:56 AM.

My new hero: Standing up to the idiots was the previous entry in this blog.

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