May 23, 2016 7:32 AM

If Portland and L.A. ever go to war, let's hope it's not over bad dougnuts, eh?

Why, Portland? Why did you do this? You gave L.A. three absolute bangers in Pok Pok, Blue Star, and Salt & Straw, and then go and throw us a place that got famous via Travel Channel shows for sticking pretzels into anthropomorphized fried dough? Get it? It’s a voodoo doll! Because Voodoo Doughnuts! We don’t need more kitschy baked goods in L.A.—we have the doughnuts-topped-with-silly-things lane covered better than any city in America—and we certainly don’t need a cream-filled “Cock-N-Balls” doughnut (it totally should have been called a “dicknut” anyways). Maybe it’s our fault for holding you on such a high pedestal, Portland. Maybe it was selfish of us to think that we could take your good without accepting your bad. Maybe this is all a gross overreaction to a theme park adding in a money-making turnkey tourist trap. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Rumor has it that Portland has been “cool” for quite some time now. Judging by my soon-to-be-all-too-obviously-saracstic tone, it seems the Rose City has been handling the burden with the aplomb and joie de vivre one might expect from a place where millenials come to retire. Hipsters may or may not have originated in Portland, but Rip City has provided a friendly, hail-fellow-well-met environment…which would explain the proliferance of IPAs, kombucha purveyors, and vape bars.

Anyone who’s lived in Portland for more than 20 minutes has long since come to understand one basic truth about Voodoo Donuts: it’s all about the hype. VD is by no means the source for the best donuts in Puddletown- far from it. If you’re doing the standing-in-line-for-45-minutes thing, you’re a tourist with too much time on your hands. This is a subjective judgment, but it’s not hard to find better options for donuts and related sweets in Stumptown. Blue Star Donuts is my personal favorite, but there are numerous placed around town making donuts and pastries infinitely superior to VD. There’s little doubt that VD has been living off its renegade reputation for many years now. For locals, their novelty schtick long ago grew old and stale (like some of their donuts). That said, they’ve been quite successful, opening locations in Tokyo, Denver, and now L.A., but it seems the L.A. cognoscenti want NOTHING to do with the Portland upstart about to invade Universal Studios.

TO THE BARRICADES!! SAVE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN!!! THE GAUCHE, CLASSLESS, KOMBUCHA-SWILLING, IPA-GUZZLING HIPSTER INVADERS FROM THE NORTH ARE UPON US!!!!

The relationship between Los Angeles and Portland is complicated. Portlanders admire L.A.’s creative culture and secretly envy its eternal sunshine. Angelenos look to the Rose City and long for our slower pace and comparatively easy commutes. Perhaps that’s why so many Southern Californians are moving here?….

Yes, Voodoo Doughnut’s confections are gimmicky, and they are far from the best donuts we have to offer. But they’re headed to L.A. because Universal wanted them. And you’re complaining about gimmicky donuts coming to a tourist trap like Universal Studios? Seems like they’ll fit right in.

Hey, it’s not like Universal Studio is the last bastion of haute cuisine, the result of a furious rearguard action fought by foodies to stave off the never-ending human wave assaults from chain restaurants and fast-casual Chipotle wannabes. It’s a tourist trap, with all the cheap, mass-produced, barely edible schlock one might expect. When Joe and Ethel Sixpack from East Bumfuk, TN, descend upon L.A., they’re not going to visit Universal Studios for the artisan crepes; they’re going to want food they’re familiar with- HELLO, Cinnabon!!

We’re not saying that Voodoo is anything less than a pretty good comedy doughnut—but PLEASE DO NOT EVEN PRETEND that the Universal CityWalk is some magical land of fantastic dining. Because, AHEM: Bubba Gump Shrimp Co., Hard Rock Cafe, Cinnabon, Johnny Rockets, Tony Roma’s, Wolfgang Puck Bistro, and KFC Express. Voodoo Doughnut will be the least plastic joint there.

Angelenos are certainly free to turn up their noses at mediocre donuts imported from the Rose City- most Portlanders already do…but it might help to lose the air of superiority and self-importance. Los Angeles is, at its most basic, a city without a soul, an endless metroplex where dreams go to die- an endless strip mall of misery, existential dread, and cheap, plastic food. Let’s face it; if L.A. was a doughnut, it would be a Voodoo Donut.

I tell you what, though. How about we make a deal? We’ll keep the cardboard-flavored fried dough monstrosities…and you can keep anyone who thinks they should be able to Californicate Portland. Personally, we think it’s a helluva deal. In the meantime, we’ll count our blessings for the recent churro invasion. Things could be a whole helluva lot worse, eh?

KTHNXBYE!!!!!

blog comments powered by Disqus

Technorati

Technorati search

» Blogs that link here

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on May 23, 2016 7:32 AM.

This one's for all of you who elevate yourself above other, "lesser" mortals was the previous entry in this blog.

I went to Iceland and all I got was my rental car stuck in this river is the next entry in this blog.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.

Contact Me

Powered by Movable Type 6.0.8