June 22, 2016 4:35 AM

In a world that values diversity, where does an Archie Bunker go to find love?

What are you looking for in a potential partner? Is it someone who thinks America was great back when black people couldn’t vote and there were random police raids on gay bars? Are you searching for a soul mate who believes we should spend more money on the military (even though we spend more than the next eight nations combined), so it’s “so big and so strong and so great” that “nobody’s going to mess with us”? Do you dream of that special someone who understands the real problem with waterboarding is that it isn’t torture-y enough? Have you longed for a partner who, maybe because he was lobotomized by a chimpanzee, actually believes Donald Trump is going to build some eighth-wonder-of-the-world magical border wall for $25 billion and send the bill to Mexico? Then maybe TrumpSingles.com is for you!

Do you hate dating people who are open-minded and understand that the world is under no obligation to cater to their fears, hatreds, and prejudices? Are you sick of wasting time on people who believe in the importance of love, tolerance, acceptance, and inclusion? Do people who believe that love is love is love disgust you in a way you can’t begin to fully describe? Do you expect your romantic partners to share your inflexible belief that White Makes Right and that only White folks are the rightful heirs to power in America? Do you scream “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!!” in the throes of ecstasy? Are you sick to death of effete, overly intellectual Liberals elites endlessly prattling on about “facts” and “truth” and “reality” when what really matters is making America safe from Muslims and Mexicans?

If this sounds like you, perhaps you’re looking for what one wag refers to as an undateable and “unrepentant racist misogynist homophobic human septic tank.” Odds are that you’re not going to find what you’re looking for on eHarmony or Match.com. OKCupid might be a possibility, but there’s a very good chance that the person you’re looking for is already doing 25-to-life for a hate crime…or running a meth lab.

So what’s someone who strongly believes the only White heterosexual Conservative Christian males should inherit the Earth to do? Are they to be expected to settle for someone who’s clearly ideologically incompatible, obviously weak, and insufficiently patriotic? If your standards are as high as your IQ and tolerance for those not like you is low, Trump Singles might just help you find the love you deserve…because Lord knows society is going to be better off without y’all inflicting yourself on decent, caring human beings.

[Trump Singles founder David] Goss told the New York Post a Trump-supporting friend had a date who walked out on her when she told him who she planned to vote for. (The internet should figure out who that guy is and mail him a T-shirt that says “Decent Human Being.”)

Trump supporters really shouldn’t be able to claim to be surprised when people walk out on them. Then again, part of the reason they’re supporting The Donald is very likely because they lack the self-awareness and/or native intelligence to understand what a @!#$%^# moron he is. It’s probably best that they breed among themselves, rather than spreading the ignorance virus far and wide.

Then they can teach their offspring to MAKE AMERICA HATE AGAIN.

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About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on June 22, 2016 4:35 AM.

Memo to Donald Trump: Be careful what you ask for was the previous entry in this blog.

There be monsters among us...and they're roaming the halls of Congress is the next entry in this blog.

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