Someone of us have been warning for years about the nefarious intentions of our Canadian neighbors (OK, I haven't, but some people have...). For years they have whined about American TV shows. They've whined about us stealing their hockey teams. Now, it appears they've been planning to get even.
Embarrassed Canadian generals today conceded an overzealous officer defied orders and started fires in Quebec to shroud the eastern seaboard in smoke before Canada had finished preparing its full-scale invasion of the United States.
As a result, the classic war maneuver of blinding the enemy in advance of an attack — the smoke now blankets American skies as far south as Washington, D.C. — was wasted, said Canada's Defence Chief, Lt. Gen. Ray Henault.
"We were supposed to line up on the border, then start the fires," said a clearly disheartened Henault. "It's not like we can do it again. They'll know it's us. I had a cute little house in the Poconos all picked out, too."
However, several members of Canada's Parliament were furious, and demanded to know why, despite decades of secret planning, the invasion forces were not ready. In response, Deputy Prime Minister John Manley explained that the Canadian military was waiting for approval.
From the US. Hello, aren't we the prospective invadee?? How are we supposed to invade Iraq when we're being invaded by Canada? You'd think they'd at least have the decency to wait until we're finished subjugating and oppressing the Iraqis before they descend on upstate New York....
Of course, this has not gone over well in Washington, even if the media seems not to have noticed the previous 113 invasions the Canadian armed forces have admitted to.
With the botched invasion now public, Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien scrambled to diffuse anger in Washington. Fortunately, his explanation to President Bush has so far succeeded in deflecting American ire. "He told me the smoke wasn't from Quebec," said Bush. "He said it was from al Quebec. Damn, those guys are everywhere."
Despite the lack of surprise, many Canadians have urged the military to push on, arguing that if they can't take the U.S. by force, they can at least sneak into Detroit and take back the Stanley Cup. Gen. Henault, however, urged restraint, noting that Canada has only 70,000 people in its armed forces, while the U.S. has 2 million. That revelation raised eyebrows among several MPs.
"So, if we are short by about 1.9 million soldiers, how, exactly, were we going to pull this invasion off?" asked Ontario MP John Godfrey. "Were we just going to use smoke?""And mirrors," said Henault. "Lots and lots of mirrors."
"Well, like I said, the plan wasn't finished," he added.
Hey, it's OK. Our TV shows are still better, our dollar is actually worth something, and we STILL have two of their hockey teams....
