PRESIDENT BUSH AWARDS POSTHUMOUS BLUE RIBBON OF INTEGRITY TO RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning, and thank you for coming. Today I was -- I am pleased to be tasked with the duty of bestowing a long-overdue honorization upon one of our nation's greatest heroes: America's 37th president - Richard Milhous Nixon.
Nearly three decades ago, his courage and defiance while being unjustly smeared by a liberal cabal of abortionists, Jews, and free-love hippies showed an emerging generation of well-shorn, affluent white males like myself how glorious it is to be immune from prosecution. And today, though Richard Nixon may be little more than six gold-capped molars and a femur bone quietly decaying in a semi-collapsed rosewood coffin, it is nevertheless my great privilege to recognize his extraordinary sacrifices by awarding him the Presidential Blue Ribbon of Integrity. (Applause.)
President Nixon positively oozed integrity from every pore on his naturally jowelly, oversized face. Raised in the small town of Whittier, California, he pledged to appear to defend the law while still young, joining a local law firm in his mid-20's. One of his early partners recalled recently that young Richard was the kind of lawyer you only had to work with for a few weeks before you felt like you'd been wrapped up together for years in a wild orgy of ultra-conservative litigiousness. He was just that kind of guy. Serving as a municipal prosecutor, Richard made an integritous name for himself as a no-nonsense law and order civil servant, imprisoning hundreds of uppity coloreds in his tireless quest to maintain the social status quo....
As his wife Pat once recalled, "For Dick, integrity meant doing whatever he knew was best for America - no matter what. If he thought he could get away with it, he would go balls to the wall." (Laughter.) "And if he thought he'd get caught, he became like a rabid, wild-eyed coyote caught in a bear trap, ready and willing to gnaw off his own leg or tear the throat out of a newborn child if that's what it took to preserve his integrity." (Applause.)....
August 8th [marks] the 28th anniversary of Richard Nixon's resignation. So today, we award Dick -- Tricky Dick -- the first Presidential Blue Ribbon of Integrity given a disgraced Republican official for allegedly criminal actions taken in our party's never-ending quest to ensure a right-wing Supreme Court. We thank his family for so great a sacrifice. And we commit our country to always remember what Dick gave -- to his fellow pardoned felons, to the people of America, and to the cause of conservatism.
