THE PRESIDENT'S PROCLAMATION ON THE INHERENT ANTI-AMERICANISM OF VEGETARIANS
Go ahead; order that triple cheeseburger with extra cheese and bacon. Otherwise, the terrorists will have won....
Today, as we give thanks for our Christian nation's supremacy, we also recognize carnivorism as an essential element in our national character, and we commend the good folks at Tyson and Butterball and KFC for their dedicated efforts to keep adults and children alike stripping the stringy, tasteless flesh from the carcasses of untold hormone-enhanced, genetically freakish pig-birds. For as you know, research has repeatedely shown that meat consumption at home and at school play a critical role in decreasing the likelihood of leftism in our nation's youth.
At the same time, let it be known that there is an enemy lurking within America's borders - one which preys upon our youth and attempts to instill its sickening agenda in our Godly children and young people. This enemy is none other than the hateful, anti-American legions of tofurkey-munching vegetarianists and veganoids. And today, I am taking action.
NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim all vegetarianos and veganarists to be traitors to the American Way. I call upon our youth, parents, educators, and all people of the United States to confront and denounce these persons with verbal and physical attacks most grievous.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal in their lust for animal fat. That all Americans have and deserve the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of Filet Mignon. It's a free country, damnit, and if I choose to die of arteriosclerosis, then that is my God-given right as a citizen of this free country. You can have my cheeseburger when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers!!
