(Many thanks to my friends at The Sinner’s Guide To The Evangelical Right)
Today I’m starting what I hope will be a regular weekly feature here on TPRS: This Week In Jesusland will be my attempt to inject a bit of levity and humor into the all-too-often humorless collection of knuckle-dragging zealots that are the Christian Right. Call them by whatever name you prefer: Social Conservatives, Evangelical Republicans, “values voters”, the end result is still a comedy gold mine.
What do you get when you begin to take yourself and your religion far too seriously. Yep, that’s right; you get This Week In Jesusland. (And I will be accepting submissions!)
Without further ado, then, allow me to introduce this week’s collection of loons, zealots, and mental midgets:
New Rocky Film Being Marketed As A Christian Film: Christian Rambo Film Is Next: “Rocky VI: The Senior Box Tour”, Sly Stallone’s new tour de farce, is apparently his paean to his new-found religious faith. Kinda makes you wonder what might have happened if Sam Peckinpah and Robert Altman had found Jesus before they died, doesn’t it?
Fmr. Bush Faith Office Staffer David Kuo’s Open Letter To Chuck Colson And James Dobson: Dear Lying Sacks of Dog Excrement: Your devotion to Jesus is exceeded only by your self-absorbed, ego-driven desire to subvert the beliefs and desires of other to your own megalomanical fantasies of power and control.
Dobson Urges Senate To Weaken Separation of Church and State: Next stop: beautiful, downtown Theocracy!!
Just In Time For World AIDs Day, Religious Right Attacks Global AIDs Fund: Hey, c’mon…it’s a gay disease, anyway, right? Isn’t this whole thing really God passing judgement on those who would push the insidious Homosexual Agenda?? Isn’t this what they deserve for violating God’s law? Or was it James Dobson’s law. I never could keep that straight….
Court takes ‘Bong Hits 4 Jesus’ free speech case: Yeah…I know what you’re thinking: “What would Jesus smoke?” And you’ll never believe what makes this story even wierder: Kenneth Starr (yes, the one who stalked every lurid aspect of Bill Clinton’s sex life) is arguing the case before the Supremes. Who says life doesn’t imitate art?
Chapter and Verse: Highly Faithful to Scripture, ‘The Nativity Story’ Lacks a Script: Who needs a script when you have Jesus? Man, is it just me, or does Hollywierd seem to be glomming on to the Jesus train in a big way? What would Jesus do? He’d make the money while he could, that’s what.
Pat Boone’s America: From perhaps the worst dresser among Evangelicals come perhaps the starkest warning yet that this country is in the express lane on the Freeway to Hell: Boone warned of the “new order of Armageddon,” and spoke of the “malaise and apathy of today’s youth. Tears began to fall as Boone lamented: ‚Äö√Ñ√≤It grieves me the way young entertainers are deriding our leaders.’” He also announced he has written an anthem for the National Guard since “Nelly, Eminem and Diddy and Piddy and Poopy and whoever the other rappers are” had not. Stop…I’m getting all misty here…. :0)
Wal-Mart: No More Corporate Contributions to Support Or Oppose Controversial Issues: OK, so how long do you think it’s going to be before some half-baked troll raises Hell because they think the Boy Scouts promote homosexuality and shameless, radical Humanism? Oh, the humanity….
The Sanctity of Human Life: How can we as Christians incorporate a reverence for human life into our daily lives?: Well, you might give some consideration to coming out strongly against Our Glorious and Benevolent Leader’s Glorious Never-Ending War in Iraq. Wouldn’t the senseless waste of human life in the pursuit of lies, corruption, and and Neoconservative, Evangelical worldview qualify as an egregious violation of the sanctity of human life? Or are y’all just really concerned about the unborn to the exclusion of actual living, breathing, defenseless Iraqoid human beings?
Leader’s Insight: When Leaders Implode. Ted Haggard, self-destruction, and the consequences we all suffer.: ‘Cuz, quite frankly, a day without an article about everyone’s favorite gay, crank-lovin’ Evangelical zealot would seem somehow incomplete.
Welcome to Jimmy Swaggart Ministries: Just when you thought it was safe to go back to church… Yes, buried deep in the swamps of Baton Rouge, LA, Jimmy Swaggart is still floggin’ fer Jesus. Who says America isn’t all about second chances?
New Head of Federal Family Planning Program Opposes Family Planning: Nothing says “keepin’ ‘em barefoot and pregnant” quite like Our Glorious and Benevolent Leader putting an avowed opponent of Title X (the government program that provides contraceptives and other sexual health services to poor or uninsured women) in charge of enforcing Title X programs. Hey, if God wanted ‘em to have sex, he wouldn’t have made ‘em poor, would He?
Only Church Donors Will Be Able To Vote On Haggard’s Replacement: Yes, apparently Heaven has a cover charge. Whodathunkit??
Jesus of the Week 2006: Just in time for Christmas, a little help in figuring out what to get the Chosen One on your gift list. This week it’s Rubber Duck Jesus: Rubber duck Jesus has been known to waddle on water, preach the good news to Mr. Bubble, and He can even turn your bath water into white zinfandel….At least that’s what He did at my house. Praise Jeebus…and pass the bubble bath, willya??
