I don’t often get personal in this space, and I’ve always had a hard and fast rule that I never write about my job. I’m going to break both of those rules here (though I’m not about to go into specifics), mostly because I’m experiencing something that I’m not at all convinced I’m dealing with very well or effectively. Perhaps writing about it will help me to process the events of the past few days. Perhaps not. Maybe I just need some advice. This may in the end turn out ot be just so much mental masturbation, but I need to find a way to somehow work my way through what I can only describe as a crushing disappointment.
I’ve been at my job in various iterations for over five years now. Recently, an opportunity arose for me to pursue a promotion. It’s taken me a long time to get to the point where I would even consider that possibility, but I’m there, and so I threw my hat in the ring. It seemed to make sense. I have more experience than anyone else in my office, and my depth of breadth of experience is unmatched. I’ve done a lot of things that I quite frankly didn’t want to do, because I wanted to show that I’m not all about myself, that I’m willing to undertake tasks that might benefit the whole instead of just merely myself. In doing so, I hoped to demonstrate that I’m capable of assuming a leadership role without the steep learning curve that someone else might have to cope with. And I play well with others.
Not to be arrogant or conceited, but I couldn’t see how ANYONE else was more qualified for this promotion than me. The quality of my work is very good, and my superiors are good about telling me that they are very happy about what I do, how I do it, my ability to relate to and take care of customers, and my technical proficiency. I was confident when I interviewed for the job. I know my stuff, and I’m good at my job. I take pride in doing it well and as efficiently and professionally as I possibly can.
Imagine my surprise, then, when I was called into my manager’s office and told that, not only did I not get the promotion, they actually went outside and hired someone from another office. Yes, it feels very much like a slap in the face- “Yes, you’re doing a fantasic job…but it’s still not good enough.”
Certainly, I was disappointed crushed to have been rebuffed, but it goes far beyond mere disappointment. I’m hurt, angry, and I’m feeling as if I’m being taken for granted. Worse, this feels like a slap in the face. I’m trying very hard not to take this decision personally, but at the moment I’m not succeeding.
I was so upset that I went into my manager’s office and asked him why, if I’m doing such a fantastic job (his words) that he felt the need to go outside and bring someone else in- a person whose work he barely knows. Did he understand that the implicit message to me was that “Yes, you’re doing a fantastic job, but it’s still not enough”?
I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I deserved the promotion. What I will tell you, and this is not me being arrogant or self-centered, is that I simply cannot see how anyone was more qualified and more experienced than me. I’m good at my job, and when you look at the number of people in my office who come to me for assistance in various matters, that speaks for itself. No one has worked harder to be a team player, to do what was asked, and to fill in wherever needed. I’ve done things that I really didn’t want to do, simply because it was the right thing to do and because I wanted to show my commitment. Yeah, that sure worked out well, didn’t it??
I’m also not going to deny being extrememly hurt and upset by not getting a promotion that I’ve worked hard for. In fact, I was so upset that I asked for and received a week off just so I could get my head straight, because I knew that I was too angry not to let it show. It hurts, but somehow I need to find a way to get my head back in the game. I also need to do some hard thinking about what comes next. Right now, it’s difficult not to feel as if I’ve wasted the past five-plus years of my life. I know that’s not the case, of course, but given this slap in the face, I find myself shaken to my core. I like my job, I like and respect the people I work with and for, but can I handle this? Should I be expected to?
Ultimately, I know that this can only end badly and reflect poorly upon my own maturity and professionalism if I cannot find a way to put this behind me. This is why I felt the need for some time away…and I’ve got five weeks of vacation time built up, anyway. Somehow, I need to be able to clear my head and look forward instead of focusing on this slight. The reality is that I need the job. I have bills to pay and I need to be able to make a living. If I could afford to, I’d walk away, but I can’t…and so I have to find it within myself to move on, to forgive if not forget. Would that it were that easy….
