One of the truly wonderful things about a warm, sunny Saturday morning here in Puddletown is that's it's well nigh impossible to feel down about things. Sunburns and depression seem to be mutually exclusive.
....where never is heard a discouraging word, and the skies are not cloudy all day....
The mercury reached 101 yesterday, which is, I believe, an all-time record for this date here in Beaverton. This after dealing with temperatures barely getting out of the 40s for most of past few weeks. Still, no complaints; it's nice to be able to go out for a long walk and return with a mildly sunburned face. My Texas permatan apparently wasn't as permanent as I might have suspected.
For the one or two readers who might be anything close to interested, I though I'd offer something of a progress report. After being off medication for approximately a month or more now, I'm here to tell you that life looks pretty damn good at the moment. I feel as if I've achieved a degree of peace, something I'd no longer thought was possible. Emotionally, I'm no longer at war with myself, and I'm learning (or perhaps relearning) how to be fully present and live in the moment. (I can hear you now: "But, Jack, you're a Buddhist; doesn't mindfulness and living in the moment come as standard equipment??" Ah, grasshopper; clearly you have much to learn....)
Close to eight months after arriving in Portland, I like myself again. I can't remember the last time I could actually say that about myself, but it's nice to be where I am and who I am...'cuz, really; what else do I have to work with?? It's amazing where a broken heart and suicidal ideations can lead you if you're willing to really listen, pay attention, and LEARN. I can't unring this bell, and I can't go back and pick up the pieces. I can no more undo the pain I've caused and the considerable collateral damage I've left in my wake than I can change any other part of my story. Part of me wishes that I could simply rewind the clock a few months, or perhaps even years, and ask for a mulligan.
Nice try, eh??
Life excites me again, and it's not just the sunshine and the warm weather...though I certainly have no complaints about either. There are possibilities again, and I find myself able to live in this moment as if it's the last-and only- one I'll be granted. I don't pretend to know what all of this means, and I'm inclined to not think about that so much. Instead of trying to intellectualize and rationalize things, I've reached a point where I simply want to experience and enjoy this moment for what it has to offer. No, I can't change the past, and the future will be what it is; what I can do is to cherish this moment and what is contained within it. If I can't do that, then I really have nothing to work with, do I?
If this is what the kids call "wisdom", then I'm all for it. Here I am, at 48, finally realizing the simple truth that the only thing I have in this world is what I have, and where I am, right now, in this very moment. It's amazing how coming to understand that reality has allowed me to let go of so much of the pain in my life.
One of the decisions I've arrived at is that I want to learn how to live each day as if it's my last...because it may well be. That doesn't mean I've suddenly developed an unquenchable desire to jump out or airplanes, go bungee jumping, or race stock cars...though all of those things sound appealing. I just don't want to one day wake up to discover that I've been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and...guess what?...I have six months to live, so I'd better start living. NOW.
I'm not here to tell you that I've figured out exactly what living each day as if it's my last means, but I want and I need to be open to finding that out. I no longer want to be so tied up in worrying about the future that I neglect to experience and appreciate the present. I want to be able to appreciate now...because it's all I'm ever going to really fully have.
Like all of us, I'm still looking for the road map that will detail the route and the rest stops on my life's journey. I still haven't found mine, and- damn, I could have sworn it was around here somewhere...maybe if I cleaned my damn apartment once in a while- I have a feeling I probably won't. That's OK, though, because my present is revealing itself to me as a pretty sweet and amazing place to be. It's hard not to like that....
Stay tuned....
