As of sometime yesterday, I'm now officially single in the eyes of the State of Texas. No, it really doesn't change anything, and it's really just the last act in the personal and emotional drama that's played out over the past year, but it's still something that saddens me deeply. Realistically, all the legal niceties have done is to cement what was already in place...and has been for the past year.
There's something about reading and signing divorce papers that really brings home the reality of what's transpired over the past year or so. There are still times when I look around me and find it difficult to believe that I am where I am. Yes, I'm happy here in Portland...and Lord knows I was miserable in Houston...but I'd never imagined that things would end up as they. Along the way, I've managed to cause unimaginable pain to someone I love, and as much as I might wish otherwise, I cannot unring that bell.
So, here I am...officially single again. I don't feel any differently, and my legal relationship status changes nothing of substance. I don't know what happens next, and to be honest, at this point I haven't put a lot of effort or thought into trying to navigate my way through that conundrum. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I do need to spend some time allowing myself to heal and see what life has to offer. Anyone who knows me understands that I'm a rather laissez-faire personality. When I try to make things happen...well, that's when things go haywire. For now, I'm still getting used to being by myself...and whatever else may happen will happen. The challenge for me now is to try to become the best person I can be, and to work on forgiving myself for the pain I've caused to someone I love.
I've always believed in trying to live without regrets, but if I'm to be honest with myself I'll need to be able to admit that I will very likely carry this regret with me for a long, long time. All the "coulda, shoulda, woulda" will be what they are, and I can't go back and change any of that. I wish I could have found it within myself to handle things with perhaps more maturity, grace, and consideration. In the end, though, I didn't...and thus I am where I am.
I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that it's now mine and mine alone to navigate. It's certainly not what I thought I'd be facing at this point in my life...but there you have it. Life really is what happens while you're making other plans...and there's no way in Hell I could have possibly planned this.
The bottom line is that I'm glad to be out of Houston, where I was miserable, and settled in Portland, a place where I feel some degree of comfort and peace. I just wish that it hadn't involved going to the nuclear option on my marriage to make this happen. Then again, I knew that one of us wasn't willing to entertain the idea of leaving Houston, regardless of how I might have been feeling. Perhaps I could, and should, have found a better way to deal with things, but the reality is that I didn't...and so here we are.
Stay tuned....
