Today's signs that the Apocalypse is upon us

Army sets date for its first execution since 1961: So, you can kill...you just can't decide on your own who to kill? OK...I'll try to remember that.

Perino: The Endangered Species Act 'Doesn't Help Support Any Species, Including Our Own': Immediately after uttering this banality, Perino cackled maniacally and then did a striptease over the prostate body of a spotted owl. Reporters were so shocked at the sight of the perky Press Secretary in her birthday suit that no one thought to snap a picture for posterity. Damn the bad luck....

Hugh Jackman: The Sexiest Man Alive: Damn...snubbed by the committee again. Perhaps I should just resign myself to being an undiscovered jewel?

Obama's Use of Complete Sentences Stirs Controversy: Yes, but can he properly pronounce "nucular"...er, "nuclear"??

GOP Operative: I Regret Helping Bush Win: Gee, thanks for the memories, eh? Don'tcha think it's a bit late for the regrets??

Why Woodward and Bernstein came to town: Hey, Bob...we're getting the band back together!!

Court Rules Obese Have Rights To Two Seats On Airplanes: This will serve as official notice that, as of tomorrow morning, I'll be on the Haagen-Dazs Diet....

Poor McCain: People Streaming Into His Office For Obama Inauguration Tickets: Knock, knock! Who's there? Salt delivery...something about pouring it into a wound??

Fox News chief Roger Ailes signs up for five more years: Ask not for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for the memory of objective, impartisan, fact-driven journalism.

Conservatives Blame CAFE Standards For Auto Industry's Troubles: OK, so let me see if I have this one straight...demanding that the American auto industry create vehicles that tread as lightly as possible on the environment is the reason the industry's in the toilet? Ouch...I think I just pulled a muscle trying to follow the logic....

Boehner: 'I think the Congress is still a center-right Congress: I think John Boehner is still wallowing in denial...or did he just somehow manage to sleep straight through Election Day??