Most adults with AD/HD were not diagnosed until they were adults. Throughout their lives, they have suffered a great deal of pain. Many have had to develop coping mechanisms to help them survive. Over time, the constant pressure of trying to cope with their problems brought on by their new ways to cope can bring about stress. As a result, some adults become overwhelmed, depressed, anxious and lose confidence. Since we can't go back and change this history, we need to move forward and realize that the efforts we put into our personal growth create hope for a changed life. Newly diagnosed adults finally have an opportunity to closely examine their lives in a more reflective and meaningful manner and to understand why they made the choices they did. But as we are aware, just understanding doesn't guarantee anything will change.
At first, I'd been thinking that being diagnosed with ADD would be a positive thing. After all, now that I hava a diagnosis, that gives me a starting point, something I can research and explore and develop some treaement and coaching strategies for. Getting used to my "new" reality has proven to be somewhat more of a challenge than I'd initially expected...and it's impacted me in ways I frankly hadn't expected. This is turning into a very emotional process for me, and I'm grateful for having a week's vacation laid out in front of me...because I'm finding it at times difficult to keep my emotions in check.
I've spent my entire life feeling as if something was wrong with me. It became clear to me early in life that I don't process and retain information the way "normal" people do. I can't remember the simplest pieces of information. All too often I can't recall how to perform the simplest of tasks, no matter how often I may have previously performed them. I've been able to function in my own way, because I'm fortunate to be blessed with a reasonable nimble intellect. Despite that, though, I've never felt as if I've fit in. I've often wondered why I don't have any real friends. I'm a good, caring person...and yet I've lived virtually my entire life in varying degrees of isolation. Because of this, all aspects of my life have suffered. My job has been a struggle, and I've missed out on numerous opportunities because I couldn't deal with my responsibilities in an effect and efficient manner. Relationships have been a challenge, because I end up chasing women away. If I look at this objectively, I can't blame them. I'm the one who's a mess, though I've never understood why or been able to accept responsibility for it. Now I am trying to come to grips with myself, hopefully before I chase another woman off.
Normally, this is the sort of thing I would try to deal with on my own. I've turned inward my entire life, though, and look at where it's gotten me. Since I've always done my best thinking while I'm writing, I'm going to try to sort this out by doing what's always worked best. This is a bit more public than I might otherwise prefer, but it's pretty clear now that hiding things hasn't worked particularly well for me. Perhaps if I keep at it long enough, I can manage to convince myself that I don't need to be ashamed of my ADD. It doesn't change who I am or make me less valuable as a person. It's just a helluva lot to have to come to grips with.
ADD Ode
By Madeleine Begun Kane"Hey, doc, have I got ADD?
My attention span's short as can be."
"Take this test, and we'll know
If you have it, although..."
"If I've what?" "ADD, sir." You see?
One of the things that happens with people who have ADD is that, because they don't feel as if they fit in, they spend their lives adapting and changing in hopes of fitting in. We try to change and adapt and generally do anything and everything we can to feel as if we're part of the group. We don't want to feel different; we don't want to feel stupid or ignorant or immature. The problem with constantly changing and adapting is that after awhile it's easy to lose sight of who you are. So it has been with me. My girlfriend has frequently talked about wanting to get to know the "real me". As you might imagine, those have been very frustrating conversations for me...primarily because I haven't had a clue as to what she means. When you spend your life trying to fit in so that people won't see you as different, how in the Hell are you supposed to have the energy left over to figure out who you really are? I'm trying to survive here....
Perhaps the single most challenging aspect of coming to grips with my ADD is having to deal with the grief I feel. When I look back on my life and realize how much I've lost (jobs, opportunities, friendships, two marriages, who knows how many relationships)...well, it can be pretty overwhelming. I could have had so much more. Things could have been so much different. My life could have been so much easier and more fulfulling, if only....
I'm beyond angry that my ADD wasn't diagnosed until I'm 49. I look back at all the bridges I've burned, all the people I've tuned out and chased away, all the anger I've directed at others when they weren't the problem...and it's a feeling far beyond mere sadness. I've considered everything up to and including suicide...even going so far as beginning to make plans. Thankfully, I'm beginning to realize that, as my chiropractor (who also has ADD) told me, ADD is not a death sentence. It may be a helluva challenge, but there's no reason I can't learn to lead a healthy, happy, and productive life in spite of my ADD.
When all is said and done, I realize that I have to take care of myself...and frankly, it's time to begin being good to myself. I've got the next week off, and step one is moving. Then I'm going to take some time to relax, meditate, and try to get myself to a place where I can accept myself for who I am instead of lamenting what I will never have and what I will never be- "normal".
This is who I am, and in the end I'm going to have to be OK with that...because it's what I've been given to work with. My goal is to be able to look back at this and be able to laugh...even though I'm currently finding no humor in my situation. I want to be able to laugh and smile and love again. If I can see my way clear to doing that, than maybe, just maybe, there might still be hope for me.
Stay tuned....
