I’m never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of those who-do-things. I don’t do anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails. But I don’t even do that anymore.
- Dorothy Parker
If you’re one of those waking up this morning only to realize, “Oh, SH-T!!! It’s Father’s Day!!!”, well, here are some last minute gift ideas. This assumes, of course, that your father is a Right-wing bigot who hates both Brown People and Black Presidents.
Sometimes you’re the fire hydrant, and sometimes you manage to find a box of vintage porn when you’re out for your daily constitutional. Remember, in the words of the beautiful and alluring Erin O’Brien, “Don’t be an asshole.”…and who knows? Maybe good things will happen to you to, too.
Given how badly the US got robbed against Slovenia, I now have even more respect for MLB umpire Jim Joyce. Sure, he booted the obvious call on what should have been the last out in what would have been Armando Galarraga’s perfect game. To his credit, Joyce manned up and admitted his mistake, with the result that he’s now probably the most respected man in professional baseball. Conversely, Koman Coulibaly has virtually overnight become synonymous with ineptitude, cowardice, and incompetence. If there’s any justice in this world, he’ll have trouble getting games in his native Mali’s beer leagues. (There’s only one solution: We must invade Mali. NOW.)
If you happen to find yourself wandering the halls of Congress (a habit I studiously avoid), be prepared to encounter Republicans talking out of their ass. There’s something about a black man sitting behind the big desk in the Oval Office that drives these fools absolutely crazy. They’ll condemn the President for not doing something…and then when he does it, they’ll condemn for being indecisive. The idjits really ought to have their medication adjusted.
If you really want to maintain something resembling harmonious relations with the family in the trailer next door, you might want to start by NOT cutting down their six-and-a-half-foot tall marijuana plant. I’m not sure I’d want to risk my neighbor coming after me with two kitchen knives. NEVER get between a man and his weed.
What if Belgium held an election and no one noticed? Just be careful; you do NOT want to piss off the Walloons. They will MESS. YOU. UP. Consider yourself warned.
Here’s something I’m really struggling to understand: What is the media’s fascination with Lady Gaga drinking beer in her underwear at a Yankees game? If you or I were to do that, we’d be (understandably) arrested and hauled off to jail to dry out. Lady Gaga has her picture plastered all over da Interweb, as if a black bra is newsworthy. WTF?
