October 14, 2010 6:26 AM

Send us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be small-time criminals

The district attorney in Multnomah County, [Oregon’s] most populous area with over 710,000 residents, announced recently that it can no longer prosecute dozens of crimes thanks to an ever-shrinking budget. Caught with small amounts of heroin, cocaine or methamphetamine? It’s a ticket. So’s a hit-and-run accident. Small-time shoplifting? You’ll still get arrested, but it’s still just a violation. For these and other lesser crimes, the district attorney will simply refuse to prosecute.

OK, say you’re looking for a fresh start. You’re a small-time criminal, but you’ve worn out your welcome in your current home base. You might think that things are looking bleak for you…but fear not, for there’s a place that will welcome you, if not with open arms, then certainly by turning a blind eye to your habitual…indiscretions. Yes, head west, young man…to beautiful, bucolic Multnomah County, where- as long as you fly under the radar, criminally speaking, you won’t even have to worry about a slap on the wrist.

Sure, I can make light of this situation; you almost have to laugh. No one wants this, but the reality is what it is. In an era of diminishing tax revenues, something’s got to give, and unfortunately Multnomah County, of which Portland (where I live) is the seat, is hurting financially. Not having gone over the county budget, I can’t say that I have an answer or a better idea. In a state where 10% unemployment has become the norm, no reasonable person can expect that there aren’t some tough, uncomfortable decisions to me made. In this case, more than a few people who probably should be behind bars are out on the street and plying their trade.

That’s why, in order to augment my income, I’m going to open up a small-time cocaine, meth, and marijuana dispensary out of my home. Hey, if it’s not going to be prosecuted, it’s not a crime…right?? All I’m doing is taking advantage of an opportunity to enjoy the fruits of the American free enterprise system. So, I’m wondering…should I come up with a name for my business, hang out a shingle, and grow my business through exposure and word of mouth? Or should I just take the careful route and have Lenny and his friend Glock run security at my front door and create a sense of exclusivity and artificially drive up demand? I’m kinda new to this whole drug-running thing, so if any of y’all have any suggestions, I’m willing to listen. I’m pretty about this new entrepreneurial experience…. ;-)

Hey, a guy’s gotta make a buck, right??

Grover Norquist would be so proud…this is a real-life example of shrinking government to the point where it can be drowned in a bathtub. Public safety? We don’t need no stinkin’ public safety….

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on October 14, 2010 6:26 AM.

With friends like this, who needs enemas? Or a Constitution? was the previous entry in this blog.

It was all fun and games until they figured out that there was money to be had is the next entry in this blog.

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