MY NEW HERO
Sen. Jon Kyl (R-AZ)
I suppose I could spend a lot of time waxing indignant about the latest example of the Far Right engaging in yet another proof of Josef Goebbels’ Big Lie Theory. Why waste energy and brain cells on that when it will ultimately make no appreciable difference? No, I’m going to focus instead on Sen. Kyl’s amazing dexterity in juxtaposing math and reality when he’s trying to convince listeners of the correctness of his position. I like to call this the “When is 3% just like 90%?” argument, and when employed masterfully, as Kyl does, it’s a beautiful thing to behold.
Well, that, and it’s a comedy gold mine….
Here in the fact-based world, drudges like me insists on things like factual accuracy. In the world that Kyl is the Supreme Exalted Ruler of, numbers are merely tools, and truth is a fungible quality that can be molded in whatever way will convince the drooling, unquestioning masses of the correctness of his position. When your guiding philosophy can be summed up with the beautifully elegant “his remark was not intended to be a factual statement”, you’re freed from any and all of the conventions that we mere mortals force ourselves to live by.
If you could put aside your normal desire that arguments actually make sense, you might just begin to see the Sen. Kyl is on to something…something that could over the long haul save this country untold billions of dollars. In a world where facts, truth, and reality no longer matter, education becomes a far less valuable commodity. Just think of the billions that could be saved, then, by eliminating funding for public education? Those billions cut be put toward things like tax cuts for the rich and corporations, spurring job growth beach homes and luxury yachts. When we no longer have to worry about educating our children, we’ll realized that indoctrination and blind obedience are far less expensive options. Besides, blind obedience IS a whole lot easier than critical thinking. When you vote as you’re told, you never have to worry about making the wrong choice.
Before long, “his remark was not intended to be a factual statement” won’t even be considered unusual…and Sen. Kyl will be remember by history for pioneering mathematical and factual relativism. Of course, not too much longer after that no one will remember what mathematical and factual relativism even means…but politicians and journalists/propagandists will recognize that what they do is all about protecting the American Sheeple. Well, protecting the American Sheeple along with their own narrow personal and financial interests, that is…but by that time, people will understand that what’s good for the upper 2% is good for America.
In fact, I’ll hazard a guess that “his remark was not intended to be a factual statement” will one day be seen as striking the blow that freed us of the tyranny of truth, reality, and fact-checking. And Jon Kyl will take his place in the pantheon of American heroes, along with Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Gingrich. One day, Sen. Kyl’s bronze bust will grace the Capitol rotunda…and the inscription will read, “[H]is remark was not intended to be a factual statement.” Children (we won’t be able to call them “schoolchildren” since there won’t be any more schools) will be indoctrinated taught to believe that Kyl was the Supreme Glorious Leader who freed Amerika from the shackles of truth and factual accuracy.
After all, isn’t History just one damn thing after another? And who can keep track of all those wars, anyway? Not that I would know, of course; none of my statements were intended to be factual.
