MY NEW HERO
Jonathan Bines
You can be forgiven for thinking that Republicans are very often speaking a dialect virtually indecipherable to most native English speakers on the left side of the political spectrum…because they are. Words may have meaning, but if you have a problem with nuance and code, you might just miss the true significance of words and phrases whose meaning might seem self-evident. Au contraire….
I’ve seen other Republican-English dictionaries online, but few of them are as comprehensive (and as humorous). So, a WWJD doff of the chapeau to Jonathan Bines for shedding a light on Republican-speak, a dialect many (myself included) find to be virtually impenetrable. Some of my favorites include:
Bible: A sacred text that provides incontestable answers when thumped.
Birth Certificate: An official birth record required of all US Presidents, regardless of race, since 2008.
Christmas: A holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, now rarely celebrated due to persecution by atheists.
Compromise: (uncommon) A form of political suicide.
Communism: The belief that the government should ever do anything.
Deficits: 1) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Democrats that threaten to bankrupt the country. 2) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Republicans that don’t matter.
Extremist (Liberal): Espousing or adhering to political beliefs that are held by only a majority of Americans.
Fact: Information that has been verifiably posted to a RedState comment board.
Homosexuality: A membership-only lifestyle organization that perpetuates itself through youth recruitment.
Hitler: A man to whom it would be inappropriate to compare President Obama in spite of the many uncanny similarities.
Jesus: Charismatic religious leader and son of God; born in Bethlehem in the year 0; beliefs include love, charity, enhanced interrogation, privatized healthcare, elimination of the estate tax, and the right to carry concealed semiautomatic weapons.
Liberal: A person who should be rounded up and shot but not really.
Marxism: A political and economic philosophy developed by Karl Marx and promulgated by Paul Krugman.
Mexicans: Brown people who have it coming.
Muslims: Brown people who have it coming.
News: Fox News
Obamacare: A Federally-mandated policy to address the national oversupply of grandparents through euthanasia.
Poverty: The condition of having inadequate financial or material resources due to not trying hard enough.
Taxes: Levies imposed by the government that raise more revenue the lower they are.
Warming (Global): An anomalous, anthropogenic increase in the earth’s atmospheric and oceanic temperatures that isn’t happening.
Welfare: A government program to distribute Cadillacs to unwed mothers.
As my online friend, Nick Bakay, is wont to say, “Jack, you’re a very sick man” “You see; it’s so much easier when you break things down scientifically.”
I hope this will help you understand the through-the-looking-glass world that far too many Republicans live in just a little bit better.
You’re welcome….
