The best things in the world? Well, if you think about it for any length of time, you’d have to say sex, hockey, and…chocolate and bacon?? Hey, why not? Bacon makes EVERYTHING better, right??
**
Two words you never want to have to consider whilst eating breakfast: fecal transplant. Trust me on this one.
**
ON CONTRACEPTION AND LIBERTY Hey, if you wanted to have a voice in the birth control debate, you should have been born male. AMIRIGHT??
**
Remember when “kid-sized” used to mean “small”? Evidently, kids aren’t nearly as svelte as they used to be.
**
It seems that children aren’t the only ones who can be petulant and immature. You might be a redneck parent when…you put nine rounds from a pistol into your daughter’s laptop as payback for her petulance and immaturity. Right; immaturity is in the eye of the beholder, eh?
Not many people could go through a life-threatening medical emergency and emerge with their sense of humor intact and fully functional. Andy Borowitz is not like you and me.
**
GOP Urges Members To Be Less Extreme. You know, the best way to make sure the horse doesn’t escape is to shut the barn door while it’s still in its stall.
**
There are many theories on what might be destroying this great country of ours. Michele Bachmann, though, KNOWS what the real threat to American Greatness and Exceptionalizm is: LAPDANCES. Jeebus, what an idiot, eh? I’m ashamed to admit that I went to high school in the Congressional district she represents.
**
LINTELLECTUAL PROPERTY. You have to know that the economy is on its way back when people are trying to profit off a previously unknown basketball player getting his well-deserved (hopefully more than) 15 minutes of fame.
**
Santorum In 2008: Protestantism Left ‘World Of Christianity’. You know, if Santorum was a Muslim, he’d be a arch-Conservative Wahabi mullah. How is this intolerant zealot supposed to be the President of ALL Americans?
