December 5, 2012 6:03 AM

Today's comminque from our new idiocracy: It's the end of the world as we know it...and I feel fine

Inmates in a women’s prison near the Chinese border are said to have experienced a “collective mass psychosis” so intense that their wardens summoned a priest to calm them. In a factory town east of Moscow, panicked citizens stripped shelves of matches, kerosene, sugar and candles. A huge Mayan-style archway is being built — out of ice — on Karl Marx Street in Chelyabinsk in the south. For those not schooled in New Age prophecy, there are rumors the world will end on Dec. 21, 2012, when a 5,125-year cycle known as the Long Count in the Mayan calendar supposedly comes to a close. Russia, a nation with a penchant for mystical thinking, has taken notice. Last week, Russia’s government decided to put an end to the doomsday talk. Its minister of emergency situations said Friday that he had access to “methods of monitoring what is occurring on the planet Earth,” and that he could say with confidence that the world was not going to end in December.

In Panicky Russia, It’s Official: End of World Is Not Near: Yeah, but what if the Mayans were right??

Protests flare in Bahrain for Kim Kardashian visit: Oddly enough, hardline Islamist activists didn’t appreciate Ms. Kardashian’s visit. Go figure. In the end, though, she drank their milkshake.

Man steals pig statue from Detroit Greektown restaurant, stops to pose for pictures: Not exactly swimming in the deep end of the intellectual gene pool, are we??

SF-Based Porn Company Offers Sex-Ed Classes With Live-Demonstrations: The sad thing is that this sort of thing really should be more common; there’d probably be less fumbling around and more people would be having better sex.

Amnesty calls for justice for Bhopal gas victims: Life is cheap in India…especially when you’re an American multinational.

Loss of bats to white-nose disease could hurt Ontario farm economy: OK, I’ll admit it; I got nothin’.

‘Yup, it’s a room full of puppies’: Dalhousie University opening a dog room for stressed students: Well, it beats walking into a mall with a sack of grenades and an arsenal of automatic weapons.

The Pope Already Has More Twitter Followers Than You: So, are the Pope’s tweets to be considered infallible?

The floating brothel: Book reveals the ship full of English prostitutes who were sent to Australia as convicts: It was either that or letting Australia turn completely gay.

The Monster of Monticello: You know Thomas Jefferson? One of the Founding Fathers of this great country? Yeah, evidently he was kind of a dick.

Man snitches on mother to have own charges dropped: Methinks Christmas dinner is going to be a very awkward undertaking this year.

It’s great being Britney clone … I’d like to thank her for giving me a good life. Blonde rakes in over £300,000, working as pop star’s double: Hey, it beats working, right?

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on December 5, 2012 6:03 AM.

Merry Christmas from the other side of the space/time/decency continuum (#3) was the previous entry in this blog.

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