It certainly took bloody long enough, but Sen. Ted “100% Americanlike” Cruz (R-Poutine) is finally taking action to formally renounce his Canadian citizenship, which was conferred on him at birth by virtue of being born at the top of the CN Tower in beautiful downtown Calgary, in the province of Algeria. He confirmed in an interview with the Dallas Morning News this weekend that he has hired attorneys to help him with the process, which surprisingly involves more than simply saying “I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee” and throwing dog poop on a picture of the Queen. Who knew? So God willing and the creek don’t rise he will be Canadian-free by the end of 2014, and can then become President in 2016 just like his daddy and the Lord said he would.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away (The Great White North, if memory serves), a Savior was born, a man who would be called upon to restore his country to the path of Godliness and righteousness. Just as soon as he figured which country was actually his.
Because his popularity and his political prospects depended on convincing the drooling, knuckle-dragging masses of his calling, he was torn. Save Canada from the evil of back bacon and box lacrosse? Or accept an even more daunting challenge and turn the libertine empire of sin and licentious to the south into the sort of dominionist theocracy that would sure save the sinful hordes from extinction by an angry and vengeful God?
Having already conquered the People’s Theocratic Republic of Dumfukistan © (or, as we mere mortals know it, Texas) by promising its highly suggestible denizens kittens, puppies, new Bibles, and a never-ending supply of guns and ammunition, the Savior was on to bigger things. He knew that he could remain Emperorgodking of the People’s Theocratic Republic of Dumfukistan © as long as he wanted. He knew how to appeal to the prejudice, bigotry, homophobia, and hyper-religiosity patriotism of the masses- and they loved him for it. Even with the undying love of his subjects to prop him up in his (decreasing in frequency) moments of self-doubt and uncertainty, the Savior wanted more, and his ambition quickly grew to astonishing proportions.
Yes, ruling the People’s Theocratic Republic of Dumfukistan © as if it was his personal plaything had lost its challenge. For his ambition to be satisfied, he knew he needed a bigger challenge…and so he set his sights on ridding his adopted homeland of the illegitimate, Kenyan-born, Muslim, Socialist boy-king. With government now intruding into every aspect of the lives of those south of the 49th Parallel, the Savior recognized that without his forceful, godly, and insightful leadership, the oppressed would be increasingly oppressed by evil Big Government.
The Savior instinctively knew what his mission and true calling was. He would come to the rescue of the oppressed and over-regulated corporations Sheeple in what once was the shining beacon of freedom and liberty south of the 49th Parallel. With the ever-popular fair and balanced Faux Noise Channel in his corner, the Savior knew that he’d be able to propagandize convert the drooling Sheeple into good, God-fearing Conservative Christian patriots. He knew that through fear-mongering and deceit creating a national conversation, he’d be able to convince the Sheeple that God speaks through him. He’d persuade them that he was their last, best, and only shot at creating the theocracy that would ensure God would not turn from them.
And Canadians from Nanaimo to Cole’s Harbor rejoiced, for they were smart enough to recognize they were once again free. Americans, however, having been convinced the Savior cared about them and their well-being, willingly and cheerfully voted away their freedom and liberty.
And so it came to pass that America got exactly the quality of leadership it deserved. No one could have suspected their standards were so low.
