Back in August, Sneakers, a little bistro in Winooski, Vermont, put a little mock traffic sign in the flower bed in front of the restaurant: “Yield for Sneakers Bacon.” It wasn’t especially well-received by a woman who posted a message to an online community forum, saying that she was a “vegan and member of a Muslim household” and claiming that the sign was “insensitive and offensive to those who do not consume pork.” She noted that Winooski is a diverse community and made an impassioned case over the little sign: Although I love Sneakers and the delicious food they serve, I strongly believe this sign is unnecessary, offensive, insensitive, and should therefore be taken down.
Before I say what I mean to say, I’ll own up to my first reaction being, “Get over yourself, lady!”…and I know I’m not alone in my reaction. Not by a long shot
This request was greeted with (as you might imagine) with some eye-rolling. This being small-town Vermont, it also generated some calm, rational debate (this was on a local discussion board; evidently the Internet wasn’t invited) that generated the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, the petitioner was a wee bit oversensitive. Nonetheless, the owner decided to take the sign down because…well, who needs freedom and bacon, anyway? The owner figured that Winooski’s a small town, so why not do what he can to keep the peace and make everyone feel welcome. And so because the owner wanted to extend some kindness to the woman who was offended by the sign, he decided to take it down. Well done.
End of story, right?? Uh…no. As might be expected, the Internet finally got involved…and I suspect you can figure out what happened next, right? The petitioner posted a follow-up note on the local forum complaining about receiving unpleasant emails attacking her. Then people began accusing Sneakers of caving and being too PC. Some folks began posting nasty message on Sneakers’ Facebook page. A local TV station picked up the story. Then, best of all, Conservative media glommed onto the “controversy”…BAM!! Suddenly a tiny bistro in Winooski, VT, became Culture War Central- because freedom…and bacon…and ‘Murrica. All because one person took offense over a sign and the person responsible for it decided to respect her feelings.
Now the horse was out of the barn, which was something the bistro’s owner wanted no part of. Thinking he could placate the foaming at the mouth hordes, he posted a conciliatory message:
We are here to serve people BREAKFAST, not politics. We removed the sign that was located on public property as a gesture of respect for our diverse community. There were also concerns raised about safety. Removing it was not a difficult decision. We still love bacon. We still love eggs. Please have the political conversation elsewhere.
And everyone rode off into the sunset on unicorns, soon to bathe in a veritable waterfall of peace and harmony.
Or not.
Recognizing the handwriting on the wall, the owner took down the bistro’s Facebook page…only to find that a Facebook Culture Warrior had helpfully put up a new page titled “Tell Sneakers Bistro How You Really Feel.” Sneakers’ Yelp page was hammered by Conservatives accusing the owner of treason (What good, God-fearing American restaurateur doesn’t serve bacon??)
See what happens when one troublemaking Muslim announces she doesn’t like bacon? Islamofascism!! Creeping Sharia!!
Then the fun REALLY began. Bryan Fischer, the spokesweasel for the American Family Association and stout defender of all things Jesus (and bacon), decreed that AMERICA IS A CHRISTIAN NATION!! Therefore, bacon is CRUCIAL to America’s place in the world. As a Christian nation, after all, Americans are guaranteed life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness…which, as any Christian patriot knows, is another word for bacon.
“You want one single item of proof that America is a Christian nation and not a Jewish nation and not an Islamic nation?” he asked. “One single bit of proof is all you need: we freely allow restaurants and grocery stores to sell and to serve bacon. That can only happen in a Christian country.”
Yes, because only Christians deserve the godly salty goodness of bacon, which was given to us by God after he demonstrated his love for Mankind by destroying the Green Bay Packers. Or something. Because…God. And freedom.
Now Fischer is demanding that Congress pass a law requiring all immigrants to convert to Christianity…at which time they’ll presumably be given Communion and force-fed bacon.
[T]hose who came to our shores would be expected to adopt our religious values and traditions — that would mean Christianity and not Islam — and they would leave behind their religion and their god.
Because what sort of religion forbids its followers from eating bacon? Because as any patriot knows, the 1st Amendment’s Exclusion Clause may proscribe passing laws regarding religion and religious practice…but it doesn’t say anything about bacon. No REAL American dislikes bacon. Or Jesus Christ.
We should be thanking our lucky stars for those brave patriots who stand up for Jesus. And bacon…because today they may come for our bacon, but tomorrow? Well, just consider the horrific threats to Our Way of Life ©. If they can take our bacon, what’s to preventing militant lesbian vegan Liberals from taking our televisions so we can’t watch Fox News Channel??
FREEDUMB!!!
