VATICAN CITY — Less than a month after sparking controversy for saying Catholics don’t have to multiply “like rabbits,” Pope Francis has once again praised big families, telling a gathering in St. Peter’s Square on Wednesday that having more children is not “an irresponsible choice.”…. He also said that opting not to have children at all is “a selfish choice.”…. A society that “views children above all as a worry, a burden, a risk, is a depressed society,” Francis said. Citing European countries where the fertility rate is especially low, the pope said “they are depressed societies because they don’t want children. They don’t have children. The birth rate doesn’t even reach 1%.”
I knew early in life that I never wanted a family. There are a number of complicated reasons for that (which I see no need to delve into), but even then I knew enough to recognize that, if I wasn’t 100% committed to having and raising children, I had no business getting a woman pregnant. As I tried to teach my stepsons, life is about decisions and the consequences. In my case, I understood I’d never walk my daughter down the aisle or cheer at my son’s football games. Not having children meant that there were things I’d be missing out on…and there are times when I find myself wondering what my life would have been like had I decided differently. All things considered, though, I’m happy with my decision. It’s worked out well for me, and I’ve been able to do things with my life that I never would have been able to had I been raising a family.
Life is full of trade-offs, no?
My decision to not have children was something that set me apart from the vast majority of adults, but I knew that raising a family wasn’t something I felt I could fully commit myself to. Given that reality, I believe I made the best (and only) decision available. I never believed the world would be any worse off for lack of my offspring. The 2.5 children I haven’t added to the world’s population will hardly have an adverse (or really, any) impact.
This is why I’m a bit angry that a childless, celibate man in pointy-toed shoes and a funny hat feels he has the right to tell me that my decision to not have children was “selfish”…as if there’s something wrong with that. So many people have children for all the wrong reasons. I at least recognized and was willing to admit that I wasn’t wired to be a father. Would I have been a good father? I think so…I sincerely hope so, but the world is no worse off for my decision to be “selfish.” I made the decision I felt was best for me, and it’s a case where being “selfish” isn’t, and shouldn’t be considered to be, a bad thing. Sometimes deciding what’s best for yourself means doing something that goes against the grain. I get that reproducing is a biological imperative. Some adults want to be parents and eagerly anticipate starting and raising a family. That’s a wonderful thing; those are the people who should have children- they’re committed, they want to be good parents, and they have much to offer a child.
I respect the Pope’s point of view, but I wholeheartedly disagree with it. Sometimes being selfish isn’t a bad thing; sometimes it means making a decision about the course of your life based on what you believe to be best for you. If it means raising a family, then good on you. In my case, it didn’t, but that doesn’t render my choice of direction any less valid or meaningful. Or selfish…at least in any negative sense.
I have no regrets about being childless, though whether I would have been a good father will remain the great unanswered question of my life. That will always be with me, but I believe I made my decision based on what I felt to be best for myself and my life. If someone with a pointy-toed shoes and a funny hat believes my decision to be self-absorbed…well, we all know what opinions are like.
