After all, it’s the stories that we tell ourselves that shape our past.
- Unknown
During my younger days, I really had no idea what I could expect once I reached middle age. How could I? I’d never been there before, but it certainly did seem like people at that stage of life were old. They looked old, they thought old, they dressed old. Now that I’ve reached my own middle age, I recognize that even what little I did expect was wrong. There are days when I do feel old. Getting out of bed can find my back barking at me like a junkyard dog. I tire more easily and don’t recover from physical exertion as quickly. Women don’t see me as a sexual being…at least I don’t think they do. Come to think of it, I’ve never asked a woman that question, so I may be way off base on that one. What I can say for certain is that I don’t feel 55. Not that I would know what that’s supposed to feel like, of course, but somehow I thought it would feel…different. I though I’d feel more on top of things, more in control. Yeah, right….
I still harbor many of the same fears of inadequacy I did in my 20s and 30s. I still worry too much about what people think of me, no matter how much I might kid myself otherwise. I still see myself as having the svelte, athletic body that I never really did, despite trying to keep myself in good physical condition. The short version is that in many ways I’m merely an older iteration of the bundle of insecurities I was in decades past. Sure, I may have a better understanding of who I am, but the quirks and fears and insecurities are still there, little worse for the wear and tear inflicted upon them by the passage of time.
The one thing I do like about where I am in life (besides being blessed to still be drawing breath) is that I’ve come to understand that there really is something to be said for experience and the perspective it provides. As I get older, many of the things I’ve worried about over the years seem less threatening. Though I’ve been an avid sports fan all my life, I find that as the sand runs out of my hour glass, I care less about the results of games. I’m still interested, but I’m less likely to be concerned about winners and losers and more likely to be interested in the people and personalities. Sure, my team may win the championship this season, but in a few short months, they’ll start all over again, trying to push the same rock up the same hill. Life, as is true with history, is very often circular. Wait long enough and it will come back around. Winners and losers blend together, because one will become the other eventually. It’s the people and stories you encounter along the way that stay with you.
I’ve also come to understand that I’m the sum total of my experiences- the triumphs, the defeats, the rejections, the f—k-ups, the heartaches, the friends, the lovers. All of it. I’m who I am today because of the things that have happened along the way, both bitter and sweet. I know now that a mistake is only a lesson that remains unlearned.
I used to think that the end of a romantic relationship was a tragedy, a failure, and in simplistic terms I suppose it can be seen that way. The good thing about being where I am today is that I’ve found someone I plan on spending my life with. Erin has been everything I could want in a companion, and while we have our challenges, things work pretty well. That wouldn’t be the case if not for the burnt bridges, dysfunctional relationships, one-night stands, and everything else that I’ve been through to arrive where I am today. Time has taught me that the end of a relationship is only a failure if you choose to see it that way. Truth be told, they were all learning experiences.
Before I met Erin, I was embroiled in a somewhat tempestuous, on- and off-again two-and-a-half year relationship. I loved the woman, and I think she loved me in her own way, but in the end it wasn’t meant to be. She had asked me to move in with her and then, the night before I was to move my things into her place, she changed her mind. Finally, instead of being the one always running back eager to reunite, I put my foot down, finally stood up for myself, and said “no more.” It took awhile for me to get over and past that period in my life, even though I met Erin shortly after the final denouement. As traumatic as the end of that relationship was, I learned that I could stand up for myself and what I believe I deserve in a relationship…and I knew (finally) that I deserved better. Now I have it, but I don’t think I’d appreciate Erin in nearly the way I do if not for what can before.
I bear no ill will toward any of the women who were previously a part of my life. I hope they’re well and happy and have found what they’re looking for. They’re good people, I’m grateful for the time we had, but for whatever reasons, things didn’t work out. A very wise person once told me something that’s always stuck with me: “Relationships are hard, man.”
If I’ve managed to figure anything out it’s that few things worth having in this life are easy.
I took something positive away from every relationship- long-term, short-term, no-term- I’ve participated in. I’m grateful to those women who’ve shared my life for whatever time frame and in whatever capacity might have been the case. I carry a part of the women who have been in my life with me, because they’re part of my history, and they’ve inform the person that Erin chose to love. Do I want to run away and spend a weekend with them, cook them dinner, or spend Christmas with them? Of course not, but I wouldn’t be the person I am without the experiences I shared with them, and I can revisit some of those memories and be grateful for the learning opportunity they provided. Because of the sum total of those mistakes, bad decisions, joys, and good times, I’m a much more grounded and complete person who’s far more capable of being in the moment with the woman I’ve (finally) chosen to spend my life with.
Is life perfect? Of course not; I still wrestle with many of the things I’ve struggled with my entire adult life- depression, ADD, and abiding hatred of the Green Bay Packers- but I recognize that I’m not alone in that struggle. There’s someone who has my back and doesn’t expect me to be perfect.
The biggest lesson I’ve learned is that all I have is this moment- right here, right now. I can’t change the past, the future is no to no one, but being fully in the present and living in this moment is the only thing I can impact. It’s surprising how difficult it can be to be fully present and involved in the moment, to live as this moment in time is all I have…because it’s all I do.
Life is good…and not just because it beats the alternative. I’m at a point in my life where I can fully appreciate who I am, where I am, and the blessings I have in my life. It doesn’t suck to be Jack these days.
