We’re into the few few days 0f 2016, and you know what that means…right?? It’s “time to plumb the depths of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits” for 2015. Every year, for reasons I can only assume are logical and reasonable but seem a morbid excuse to wallow in Schadenfreude, USCPSC compiles a list of causes for emergency room visits. I’m assuming there’s some empirical value contained within that mountain of information, but for some of us it boils down to a simple question that eloquently captures the (not so) elevated nature of humanity:
“What did we get stuck in our rectums this year?”
This is almost as cringe-worthy as “What horrible things did we do to our penises last year?”
I know what you’re probably thinking…that this is just another cheap attempt to have fun at the expense of others. It may be Schdenfreude’s gift to mankind, but given that taxpayers are funding compilation of the list, I don’t suspect there’s anything cheap about it. And as for having fun at the expense of others…well, if you’re someone inclined to (to use but one example) “PUT A PLASTIC STRAW IN HIS PENIS WHILE HE WAS HIGH ON CRYSTAL METH,” I’d say you’re pretty much a late night comedian’s wet dream, don’tchathink?
Despite humanities best attempts to exterminate itself by shoving things into orifices not meant to receive such foreign objects, it appears we’ll limp into 2016 little worse for wear…except when you stop to realize that a sizable cross-section of these intellectual (not exactly) giants will be voting in November. I’m guessing that a fair number of them are currently supporting Donald Trump…and probably figuring out what sorts of foreign objects they can wedge into their rectums while watching “Fox and Friends.”
