As a freshman, I would get into senior parties because I was Ted's roommate. OUT OF PITY. He was that widely loathed. It's his superpower.
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 10, 2016
Second memory: Ted would talk about the women he thought he had a shot with. Pretty sure he remained untouched by a woman those four years.
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 10, 2016
Excellent piece dissecting Ted Cruz' bullshit. They call it "lying" but it's worse. It's pathological calculation. https://t.co/yeJlEt5lF2
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 11, 2016
I'm starting to feel like the U.S. should pay me reparations for my freshman year. The Brutalism of Ted Cruz - https://t.co/rUuCuAnPdH
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 12, 2016
Getting emails blaming me for not smothering Ted Cruz in his sleep in 1988. What kind of monster do you think I am? A really prescient one?
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 15, 2016
I have 30k followers now, and all I had to do was be stuck in a room with Ted Cruz for a year. I'm sure you're all nice, but SO NOT WORTH IT
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 18, 2016
I'm not a journalist. I'm just a guy who experienced 1000 times the safe level of Cruz exposure. #permanentlywarped https://t.co/PHVxwHrwBz
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 19, 2016
Dear sir: Bill Clinton could be a serial eater of planets. Ted Cruz would still be an asshole. https://t.co/GEDpdQw1rB
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 20, 2016
When I met Ted in 1988, I had no word to describe him, but only because I didn't speak German. Thank you, Germans, for "Backpfeifengesicht."
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 20, 2016
This is important. I know it seems like I'm stretching the truth a little for comic effect. I'm not. At all. AT ALL. https://t.co/HM29f7Rdey
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 20, 2016
That's never happened, because Ted's favorite ice cream flavor is "death penalty." https://t.co/ckwR0Nibg1
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 20, 2016
Congrats, Ted… you're winning hearts and minds as always… https://t.co/pFSrriznnQ
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 20, 2016
I don't feel inferior to Ted. Far from it. That said, I welcome your pity. Does it come with hugs and soup? https://t.co/CxelpLNTp2
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 21, 2016
It's true. Ted's penis is 15" long and made of bald eagles and Lee Greenwood lyrics. https://t.co/HA5v1Ct8KO
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 21, 2016
"Mr. Mazin, this is the Secret Service. We're just calling to say… we get it. We totally get it." https://t.co/GobnXoqR9Z
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 22, 2016
Yup. That's Ted. Sneers while he tells you how to live your life. Meanwhile, can't find his own ass with two hands. https://t.co/jPunorzHIk
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 23, 2016
It appears he honestly has no clue how insurance works. See, Ted doesn't live in our world. He just wants to run it. https://t.co/gTgkHm7yL5
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) January 23, 2016