Viagra Spill Revives Lake Michigan
In an unusual display of serendipity, an event that normally would be viewed as a tragedy- a tanker spill- has tired old Lake Michigan looking and acting like a randy teenager. Locals say they've never seen the lake acting so frisky before.
A freighter containing 62,000 metric tons of popular impotence drug Viagra struck a reef and sank in Lake Michigan today. As a result, the once-frigid lake no longer dangles into Illinois and Indiana, but now spans majestically across northern Wisconsin.
According to eyewitnesses, roughly 30 to 60 minutes after the ship's contents dissolved, the lake slowly but firmly began to push northwest toward Minnesota. Eventually, its swollen banks managed to poke aside Lake Superior, which cartographers said will lose its standing as the largest of the Great Lakes for the next four to six hours.
Area residents were surprised by the sudden shift, but conceded Michigan was "like an entirely new lake."
"For so many years that lake just, you know, sat there," said Martha Strop of Eau Claire, Wisc. "To be honest, I never even thought about it anymore. There wasn't much of a point. But now, well, this has changed our lives forever."
Government officials, however, were more cautious.
In Wisconsin, Gov. Scott McCallum declared a state of emergency, while in Minnesota, Gov. Jesse Ventura declared: "Is Lake Michigan a threat, or is it just glad to see me?"
While government officials may be reacting with caution, locals have noticed a surge in the number of elderly males who have gone swimming in Lake Michigan and then proceeded to terrorize their neighborhoods. Police, clearly uncertain about how to handle the matter, have suggested hiding the women and children for the time being.
A spokesman for Pfizer, the manufacturer of Viagra, refused to comment, but did so with a wry smile.
