I'm really going to have to go back and read my last post from yesterday. Man, some of y'all must have thought I was playing Russian Roulette on my living room floor with five full chambers. I hope it didn't sound as if I was going to ride off into the sunset (figuratively or otherwise). That was not supposed to be the point of that rather dysfunctional and unfocused screed.
I'd be the first to admit to having some issues. Among my many faults is a lack of tolerance for stupidity, an inability to stomach meaninglessness, and an absolute abhorrence of unoriginality. Because of this, I'm constantly asking myself the one question that I often cannot answer: why?? I'm a fairly introspective sort, but looking for some deep existential significance in my writing can be a fairly unsatisfying experience. Perhaps in the end I'm losing sight of the forest for the trees. After all, why do men climb mountains? Well, because they're there, silly. So why does my quest need to be any more complicated?
No, I'm not going anywhere, at least not as long as I have anything to say about it. I apologize if that was the impression that I left y'all with. Sure, you can have my keyboard- when you pry my cold, dead fingers off of it.
I truly do appreciate all of the feedback, especially from those of you on the opposite end of the ideological spectrum. One of the things that I love about the blogosphere (and can I mention how much I truly, deeply, passionately detest the word "blog"??- it sounds like a skin disease) is the interaction I've been able to enjoy with people who I otherwise would have no contact with. I may never actually meet any of you, but I enjoy the give and take.
Along those lines, I thought I'd share some of the suggestions I've received. It seems that a lot of y'all felt I needed some stress relief. I'm just hoping that some of these suggestions were offered in jest:
- Read a depressing-as-hell book (an exercise in gaining perspective, I presume)
- Kill small furry rodents
- Get drunk and take a cab home
- Go see a down-in-the-dump Country & Western band at a dive bar and make fun of the regulars (which would, I'm assuming, lead to getting blind drunk and starting a fight)
- Smoke an 8" cigar
- Meditate
- Drink (this seems to be a recurring theme)
- Kill some hookers (I already have enough trouble suppressing my homicidal urges as it is.)
Actually, I was going to shave my head, take a vow of poverty, and move to a mountain-top monastery somewhere in northern Tibet, but these suggestions sound like WAY more fun. Not only that, but I know Susan and Eric wouldn't be big on the whole vow of poverty thing, and I don't think northern Tibet has much in the way of reliable Internet connectivity.
This is not about me being burned out as much as it is wondering if I actually make a difference. I love the routine and the discipline of writing (Watch out; I have a vocabulary, and I'm NOT afraid to use it!!). I may not always produce something worth reading, but it's not as if I charge anything. That's right; I'm still free, and I'm STILL easy.... (No ads, almost no content- who says you can't live in a vacuum??)
My dream has been to somehow find a way to support myself through my writing. Until that time arrives, and it may never, this weblog at least feeds the monkey. My passion, as it turns out, just happens to be one of the most difficult and least financially rewarding ways to make a living. For every Steven King and Tom Clancy, there are probably thousands of aspiring writers waiting tables, pounding nails, or, in my case, toiling away for an insurance company. Hey, a man's gotta eat.
At some level, I suppose we all want to make a difference, to know that our presence (or lack of same) matters. It was a very pleasant surprise to discover that my presence DOES seem to matter. (They like me....they really LIKE ME!!!!) No, my writing may never lead to riches or fame, but if I can make one person think about something they might not have previously considered, then I've made a difference. That's a good thing.
But you know what, michele? I STILL HATE THE @^&#!%* GREEN BAY PACKERS!!
