Tomorrow morning at 8.45 I'm having LASIK surgery. Given that I'm a bit nervous about the whole endeavor, I thought I'd try to calm my nerves by doing a bit of research on LASIK and what I can expect to happen. I half-expected to find something like
Heh...we gonna suck yo' eye right out yo' haid and slice it up with this here scalpel (insert a picture of a scythe or a 7-iron with a razor blade on it here)...heh heh....
Of course, I did discover that there is an upside to this whole thing: I get drugs!! Heh...Valium? Where do I sign??
On the day of surgery, your doctor may give you some medicine to make you relax.
OK, so I actually found a coherent explanation- though I can't really say it put me any more at ease....
The surgery should take less than 30 minutes. You will lie on your back in a reclining chair in an exam room containing the laser system. The laser system includes a large machine with a microscope attached to it and a computer screen.
Of course, the laser system will be about the size of a small house, and it will be attended by a large Teutonic nurse who resembles Cloris Leachman's "Nurse Ratched" character in High Anxiety. Aaggh...those who are late do NOT get fruit cup....
A numbing drop will be placed in your eye, the area around your eye will be cleaned, and an instrument called a lid speculum will be used to hold your eyelids open. A ring will be placed on your eye and very high pressures will be applied to create suction to the cornea. Your vision will dim while the suction ring is on and you may feel the pressure and experience some discomfort during this part of the procedure. The microkeratome, a cutting instrument, is attached to the suction ring. Your doctor will use the blade of the microkeratome to cut a flap in your cornea.
Yes, you will feel as if your eye is about to be sucked out of your skull, but not to worry- that's why you have two of them, silly...and why does that thing sound like a lawn mower??
The microkeratome and the suction ring are then removed. You will be able to see, but you will experience fluctuating degrees of blurred vision during the rest of the procedure. The doctor will then lift the flap and fold it back on its hinge, and dry the exposed tissue.
The flap will then be tanned and turned into a convertible cover for some rich yuppie's BMW, and your eyeball will be used as storage space for Tom DeLay's sense of decency and fair play.
The laser will be positioned over your eye and you will be asked to stare at a light. This is not the laser used to remove tissue from the cornea. This light is to help you keep your eye fixed on one spot once the laser comes on.
No, actually the light is to remind you of the last thing you'll see before the Valium kicks in and you drift off to Neverland (Look, Ma, I'm a Republican! I can fly!!)
When your eye is in the correct position, your doctor will start the laser. At this point in the surgery, you may become aware of new sounds and smells. The pulse of the laser makes a ticking sound. As the laser removes corneal tissue, some people have reported a smell similar to burning hair.
Um...what if it really IS my hair that's on fire??
A computer controls the amount of laser energy delivered to your eye. Before the start of surgery, your doctor will have programmed the computer to vaporize a particular amount of tissue based on the measurements taken at your initial evaluation. After the pulses of laser energy vaporize the corneal tissue, the flap is put back into position.
Yeah, a computer also controlled the Chernobyl nuclear reactor, and look what happened to neighboring town of Pripyat. All they've got left are empty buildings, birds, and loudspeakers that play Tschaikovsky 24/7/365....
A shield should be placed over your eye at the end of the procedure as protection, since no stitches are used to hold the flap in place. It is important for you to wear this shield to prevent you from rubbing your eye and putting pressure on your eye while you sleep, and to protect your eye from accidentally being hit or poked until the flap has healed.
Junior Birdmen, Unite!!
Immediately after the procedure, your eye may burn, itch, or feel like there is something in it.
Gee, did I just have LASIK, or did I take a wrong turn somewhere and end up getting hemrrhoid surgery??
Both your eyes may tear or water. Your vision will probably be hazy or blurry. You will instinctively want to rub your eye, but don't! Rubbing your eye could dislodge the flap, requiring further treatment. In addition, you may experience sensitivity to light, glare, starbursts or haloes around lights, or the whites of your eye may look red or bloodshot.
Any you may also experience the munchies, dementia, or delusions of grandeur. Any suicidal ideations or manifestations of a Napoleon Complex should be IMMEDIATELY reported to your doctor. In the event of a water landing, please bend over and kiss your @$$ goodbye....
OK, so I'll admit to being a little bit nervous about this whole undertaking. Thankfully, I only have to have one eye cut up. It's something called monovision, in which your dominant eye (the right, in my case) is corrected for distance vision and the other one is left uncorrected. The uncorrected eye is used for near vision. The idea is that once your brain adapts, you will have good near AND distance vision. If I were to have surgery on both eyes, I'd need reading glasses almost immediately.
I think what I makes me most nervous is that, after 34 years of wearing glasses, I'm about to alter a reality that I've known for most of my life. After tomorrow morning, I will never see in the same way again. I'm excited about it, but after so long it's difficult not to feel at least some trepidation, I suppose.
Anyway, I hope y'all will wish me well. I'll update you later tomorrow or Saturday if possible.
BANZAI!!!!!
