(Many thanks to my friends at The Sinner’s Guide To The Evangelical Right)
This week has once again proven a veritable comedy gold mine. Let’s just hope the Almighty has a sense of humor…’cuz Lord knows a good number of His followers certainly don’t.
I’ve often wondered what it is that can turn normally lucid human beings into such joyless, mirthless drones. I suppose if your God is a mean, spiteful sumbitch (this would explain the Nazarense, I s’pose….) who’s looking for reasons to smite us ignorant, fallible humans, life probably would seem a bleak and joyless undertaking.
For those of us unburdened by the fear of being smited, I humbly offer this edition of This Week in Jesusland:
The Tough Guy Evangelists: Brad Stine runs onstage in ripped blue jeans, his shirt untucked, his long hair shaggy. He’s a stand-up comic by trade, but he’s here today as an evangelist, on a mission to build up a new Christian man — one profanity at a time. “It’s the wuss-ification of America that’s getting us!” screeches Stine, 46. A moment later he adds a fervent: “Thank you, Lord, for our testosterone!”…. Verily, let it be told throughout the land…Jesus ain’t no f——-g girlie man!!
The Post-Rapture Post: The Postal Service of the Saved: Yes, the Rapture has taken place, and you’ve been whisked off to Glory. Of course, you’re not going to want to leave without saying the equivalent of neeenerneenerneener to you unbelieving friends. Do you know someone who is in danger of being “left behind” because of a sinful life? Imagine if you could write a letter to a friend or loved one after the Great Day of Reckoning. Maybe a message to your family telling them to trust in God, and that everything will be okay. Perhaps you would leave instructions to care for your pets after your departure. It could be that your message is the light that opens a sinner’s eyes to the Glory of God and allows them entrance to Heaven during the trials before the Second Coming. This is where the Post-Rapture Post comes in. Just write your letter and it will be hand-delivered immediately following the exodus of the pure from the Earth. But you must be thinking to yourself, “How can the letters be delivered after the Rapture?” The answer is simple. The creators of this site are Atheists. That’s right, we don’t believe in God. How else would we be able to deliver your correspondence after the Rapture? …. Man, it just figures that Atheists would be trying to make a buck off this, doesn’t it?
Cheney’s “Sodomite” Daughter Is Preggers: Mary’s partner has no legal rights whatsoever in their child, or in what happens to Mary (or vice versa), such as if one partner has to go the hospital, the other can’t visit. The law may even nullify any wills that Mary and Heather write regarding each other….It’s beyond ironic that Virginia’s new law, one of the most hateful, bigoted laws on the books, is now targeting the vice president’s own daughter and soon-to-be new grandchild.…. We can only pray fervently that Mary Cheney’s satanic offspring doesn’t catch TEH GAY.
Religious Right Releases Violent Video Game, Just in Time For Christmas: Many Christians have (justifiably, in some cases) decried the proliferation of violence in video games. They’ll tell you that violence in video games is like a gateway drug leading to the commission of real violent acts. Of course, what they’re not going to tell you is that they have their own violent video game: Left Behind: Eternal Forces. Remember: it’s not fascism when we do it….
Brownback may run in ‘08: Oh, joy; Sen. Sam Brownback (R-Pleasantville), a darling of the Religious Right, is making noises like someone who’s planning to run for
AyatollahPresident in 2008. Isn’t one faith-based disaster of a Presidency enough? Are Christians really so oppressed that they need someone in the White House looking out for them to the exclusion of anyone and anything else? How’s that budding theocracy thing working out for you?Churches, Ministers Targeted By Nigerian E-mail Scammers: You know, there’s a rule that covers this sort of thing: if it sounds too good to be true, it’s probably from Nigeria. Nigerian e-mail scammers are successfully targeting American churches and ministers, cheating them out of millions of dollars under the guise of spreading the word of Jesus.…. So, what would Jesus do? He’d go to Nigeria, kick some ass, and take names.
Scientist Fights Church Effort to Hide Museum’s Pre-Human Fossils: Hey, if you can’t defeat the truth, you might as well try to hide it, eh? Famed paleoanthropologist Richard Leakey is giving no quarter to powerful evangelical church leaders who are pressing Kenya’s national museum to relegate to a back room its world-famous collection of hominid fossils showing the evolution of humans’ early ancestors. Leakey called the churches’ plans “the most outrageous comments I have ever heard.”…. Apparently, the church is willing to deride actual physical evidence as “just another theory”…or, “never lets facts get in the way of faith.” Nice….
When did the Bible become “America’s holiest book”?: David Kuo, the latest object de abject hatred of the Bushies (and a committed Christian), has once again committed heresy in the estimation of the Evangelical Right: he’s questioning the Bible’s status as this nation’s pre-eminent holy book. So the Bible is America’s holiest book? Was there a vote? Did Oprah decide? Was it Jefferson? And if so was it his version of the Bible? Does that mean it is true of every American citizen? Even Kevin Federline? And if it is true then America, with its indifference to the poor and lust for money and power, would be seriously backsliding and in need of spiritual counseling. No, the BIble isn’t Ameirca’ holiest book. America doesn’t have a holy book. It does have two holy documents, however. One is called the Constitution. The other is known as the Declaration of Independence. That’s it. Book study finished.…. Any questions?
Driscoll’s Apology Defuses Demonstration But His Seattle Times Column Get Cancelled: The recent furor — whipped up with a heated online debate — was sparked by Driscoll’s remarks after national evangelical leader Ted Haggard admitted he had bought drugs from a male prostitute. ….”It is not uncommon to meet pastors’ wives who really let themselves go,” Driscoll wrote on a personal blog. “A wife who lets herself go and is not sexually available to her husband … is not responsible for her husband’s sin, but she may not be helping him either.”…. Right; if Gayle Haggard wasn’t such a @!#%$^& cow, none of this would have happened, eh? Whatever….
