Yesterday was a milestone for me. I turned 50, and while I’d rather just avoid the whole black roses/AARP/Geritol joke sequence, having a birthday sure as Hell beats the alternative. To my way of thinking, 50 is only a number, but it is turning out to be every bit the event for some major reflection and introspection I figured it might be. Dealing with food poisoning over the past few days has just delayed it a bit for me.
The reality is that I plan on living to ripe old (and exceedingly ornery) age. In an actuarial sense, though, I’m on the downward slope of the bell curve. I feel my years, along with every bump, hit, tackle, and concussion every time I get out of bed in the morning. Yes, kids; those things do catch up with you. A very wise man once told me to be kind to my knees, as I’d miss them when they were gone. Would that I’d been smart enough to pay attention. I’m very active, but I can’t run the length of a basketball court without being in pain. The damnedest thing, though, is that I wouldn’t change a thing.
The great gift of turning 50 is being able to reflect on the experience I’ve gained. It’s made me who I am, provided me with a unique perspective, and endowed me with an ability to laugh a the world (and myself) that I truly cherish. I’ve been blessed to have been able to experience some amazing things in my life. When I look back, it’s hard not to do with a smile on my face.
Unfortunately, in my case I’ve also been around long enough to see what’s probably far more than my fair share of suffering. I’ve seen war, hurricanes, and the deadly aftermath of both. If I live to be 105, and I never see or experience another hurricane, nor hear the words “sniper” and “minefield” again, I’ll die a very happy man. I’ve seen towns and villages decimated by storm surges and artillery fire, and these are things I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
I’ve loved and I’ve lost. I’ve been hurt and I’ve done the hurting. I’ve had my heart ripped out and I’ve done the ripping. Hey, that’s life, right? I’m not proud of the pain I’ve caused; I can only hope that those I’ve hurt along the way have found it within themselves to forgive me. I’ve been able to forgive (most of) those who have hurt me…because if there’s one thing I’ve learned along the way, it’s that nothing is more corrosive than unresolved anger. Those I haven’t yet forgiven…well, I’m still working on that one. I’m an imperfect human being, and I’m doing the best I can.
All in all, the first 50 years have, I hope, served as training for my next 50 years. Given the first 50, I’ve got some amends to make and some lessons to learn. I might as well get started…. ;-)
