New York (AP)- After almost 13 years as an independent blog, it was announced this morning that What Would Jack Do? will become part of the Comedy Central family as of April 15th. Heywood Jablome, programming director for Comedy Central’s news division, issued a statement welcoming Mr. Cluth and his unparalleled brilliance to a much larger stage:
We at Comedy Central would like to take this opportunity to welcome Jack Cluth and What Would Jack Do? to the Comedy Central family. We at Comedy Central are always looking for ways to upgrade our product, and WWJD? provides a way for us to provide another perspective on politics and social issues to millenials, most of whom can’t be bothered to watch the news, and others who don’t pay attention to conventional news outlets. We feel strongly that Mr. Cluth and WWJD? will fit in with Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart, the two most respected names in television news today. His knowledge, perspective, cynicism, and effective use of snark will give Comedy’s Central news operation an edge it currently lacks.
As Mr. Cluth and WWJD? will be splitting time between The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, it will take some time to fully understand how we will be able to most effective leverage his talents. As chief West Coast correspondent for The Best #@$%^!& News Team on Television, we expect Mr. Cluth will provide our news operation with a fresh perspective on the issues of the day..or at least something (or someone) we can all laugh at. We’re not quite sure yet. We wanted to acquire WWJD? ASAP, primarily because we’d heard rumors that Fox News Channel was about to initiate a hostile takeover. We shudder to think what Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity would have done to WWJD?
One of the ideas we’ve been toying with is an online forum exploiting the Tea Party and Republicans in the House of Representatives for their seemingly never-ending comedic potential. Mr. Cluth and WWJD? may fit in with that initiative, though admittedly it’s low-hanging fruit. We anticipate leaning heavily on him for ideas regarding potential future projects.
One project we can announce is that Mr. Cluth will be collaborating on Comedy Central’s upcoming documentaries, Bill O’Reilly: Man, Myth, or Mentos addict? and Sean Hannity: Girly Men
Don’tCry, both airing this fall. More details will be released as they become available.
When reached at home in Portland, OR, Jack Cluth, the driving force behind WWJD?, issued his own statement:
“I’m grateful to Heywood Jablome and the Comedy Central family for this vote of confidence, the faith they’ve placed in me, and the s—tload of money they’ve paid to acquire WWJD?.
I’m honored to have the privilege to be a part of The Best #@$%^!& News Team on Television. Over the past 13 years, my readership has grown from a few dateless males with too much time on their hands to a worldwide audience of…well, all manner of people with too much time on their hands. I’m thankful to have the great good fortune to be able to continue doing what I love, albeit in a very different incarnation. WWJD? will undoubtedly undergo some changes, but at this time I can’t offer any details- other than to say the dedicated and thorough search for nude photos of Ann Coulter, Gretchen Carlson, S.E. Cupp, and Megyn Kelly will continue unabated. Some things just shouldn’t be changed.
I owe a debt of gratitude to my readers, who over the course of 13 years have helped WWJD? grown from its roots as the uber-obscure The People’s Republic of Seabrook to the media heavyweight it’s becoming. Without all of the little people, I would never have achieved the superstar status I’m about to attain. And I never would have been able to run for Governor of Texas in 2004 as a write-in candidate. My candidacy was based on hope, caffeine, my F-150, and a $0.00 campaign budget. The 11 votes I received were worth every penny…though I probably should have demanded a recount.
Oh, and to my first girlfriend, Kristi Forsberg, who dumped me because I wasn’t cool enough for her: What do you think of me now?? I’m bigger than Jesus freakin’ Christ…or was that John Lennon? I never could keep them straight.
Thank you…and don’t forget to tip your waitress.
When contacted for a statement on their network’s acquisition of WWJD?, Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart issued a joint statement:
Who the #@$% is Jack Cluth???
The deal, whose terms weren’t released, is reportedly in the low seven figures, enough, as Mr. Cluth put it, “to realize my dream of someday owning my own Trader Joe’s franchise and a lifetime supply of Mentos and Diet Coke.”
Preliminary reports indicate that the day to day duties of WWJD? will be assumed by 500 monkeys on 500 MacBooks. Over the past few years, they’ve failed to produce a Shakespearean epic, but executives at Comedy Central anticipate the much lower standards WWJD? adheres to will allow the monkeys to fully realize their (likely minimal) creative potential.
Mr. Cluth will remain based in Portland, OR, with his girlfriend and his cat. He’ll make occasional trips to New York, if only to convince Comedy Central’s senior management that he’s not Keyser Söze.
Party on, Garth….
