It's not very often that I do not care what is happening in the outside world, but I'm there. All of my energy and attention has been focused on what is happening in Susan's hospital room. What little I've been able to spare has gone to looking after Eric, but I'm afraid I really haven't been very available for him. Caring for Eric has proven to be the most trying part of this past week (and yes, it HAS been a week...it just feels like forever). Not that caring for Eric or being with him has been difficult, but coping with my guilt over not being around much has. Thankfully, he has been great- he's been the one trying to get me to laugh, especially last night, when laughing was the farthest thing from my mind.
No, the toughest thing for me to deal with has been the guilt. I feel the need and the responsibility to be at Susan's bedside, but I also have a 16-year-old boy to look after. During the week, he's at least in school during the day, and he'll have homework at night. This weekend, though, he was alone a good deal more than I would have liked. He seems OK with it, but I'm not quite there yet.
I haven't had to worry much about feeding Eric and I, since friends are stocking our refrigerator with food. Last night we had dueling dinners- two people called within five minutes of one another and said that they were bringing dinner over. We now have lasagna in the freezer, and pork roast and fried chicken in the refrigerator. I guess this means I'm not cooking tonight....
I'm going back to the hospital this morning with the thought that I'm going to get some answers. It's not that I'm trying to rush things, but I want to have some idea of where Susan's treatment is heading. Does all of this have a purpose, or are we keeping her in the hospital and pumping her full of medication in order to protect the collective ass of the medical staff and assuage their fear of being slapped with a malpractice suit? Speaking only for myself, I am tired of seeing Susan poked, prodded, and squeezed to no apparent end. Clearly, she was in no shape to come home yesterday, but what is being done to bring that eventuality closer? At the moment, it's hard for this medical neophyte to see that ANYTHING constructive is being done. That was certainly the case on Saturday and Sunday, when it was very clear that none of the specialists treating her were anywhere to be found. One neurologist stopped by after I'd already left last night, but that was the only lab coat we saw this weekend except for her GP, who, as well-meaning as he may be, doesn't have a clue.
It is difficult for me to adequately express my frustration and bewilderment. We seem no closer to any sort of resolution than we were last Wednesday. As hard as it is for me to see her stretched out in a hospital bed, I think I could cope if I knew what the plan is. What is wrong with her? What is the treatment plan? What is the prognosis? When can I take her home?
As frustrated as I am, this has been even tougher on Susan. Because of her double vision, she cannot read or watch television. I brought her a radio so she can listen to the Astros games, and her college roommate from Baylor brought her some books on tape. Outside of that, all she has been able to do is to sleep and think. She's lonely, she's sick, she misses Eric, and she wants to come home. I just wish that I could make that happen.
