Cell phones, road rage contributing to crashes: DPS suspects risks are greater than first data show
New Anger-Powered Cars May Revolutionize The Way We Drive
The theory behind the anger-powered engine is actually quite simple. The average motorist traveling a clogged American highway produces hundreds of kilowatt-hours of negative energy per infuriating drive. The Instigator motor converts this emotional energy into kinetic energy by a process most drivers—people too goddamn stupid to use their goddamn blinkers when they change goddamn lanes—will never be able to understand. Just trust me, dumbasses, it works. In the white-knuckled hands of the average American driver, it's an extremely powerful tool.
- Keith Cameron, chief engineer on General Motors' "Project Instigator"
Never let it be said that Detroit's "Big Three" would miss an opportunity to make a buck off the foibles of the American driving public....
DETROIT—With gas prices approaching $2 per gallon in some areas and gridlock on the rise, Detroit's three major automakers are stepping up development of their newest brainchild: the anger-powered car.
"By drawing a significant percentage of its motive power from the unbridled temper of the American motorist, the new anger-powered car will change, or at least take mechanical advantage of, the way Americans drive," General Motors vice-chairman Robert A. Lutz said. "We plan to have these furiously efficient machines careening down America's highways, byways, and sidewalks within two years."
Lutz said automakers have been researching fury fuels since the mid-1970s. As early as 1984, they began to look for ways to take advantage of the limitless supply of bad temper generated daily by American drivers—outrage currently vented wastefully into dashboards, steering wheels, and passengers.
An engine burning clean, white-hot hatred will release few harmful byproducts into the atmosphere—bad vibes and a small amount of water vapor will combine to be released in the form of human spittle. In addition, anger technology will turn the standard fuel-economy paradigm on its head: An anger-powered engine is actually more efficient in heavy urban traffic.
Of course, for those of us who already own full-size trucks, there is the black-market Somali-designed and bed-mounted M-60 machine gun. For those who would rather experience instant and violent destruction at the push of a button, there is the roof-mounted, remote-controlled TOW missile- easily available at most Texas gun shows.
Ted Nugent would be proud....
